Pesach: The BT Family Seder

Over the past generation or so unaffiliated Jews have moved more and more away from Jewish customs and traditions.  A generation or two ago, the most secular Jews still went to synagogue on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, didn’t eat pork and shellfish and intermarriage was almost non existent. 

A lot has changed in our generation.  Now, unaffiliated Jews do very little in terms of Jewish holidays and laws, but virtually everyone still observes the mitzvah of circumcision and attends at least one of the Passover Seders.  There’s something about the Seder that keeps us connected.  Maybe it’s the unique food or that on some level we still identify with leaving slavery. 

Whatever the reason is, since non religious Jews still want to go to a Pesach Seder, Passover becomes the most difficult holiday for Ba’al Teshuvas.  The issues that come up are numerous and cross some very difficult waters.

Unlike Shavuot and Sukkas, which most secular Jews don’t care so much about, most families want/insist to get together for a Seder.  My goal is to always find the balance between maintaining my commitment to Torah values and having a healthy relationship with my non-religious family.  This isn’t such an easy balance.  For fans of the TV show Seinfeld, you may remember an episode where George Costanza’s fiancée, Susan, started spending time with George’s friends Elaine and Jerry.  Since George saw himself as having two sides, “Relationship George” and “Independent George”, he had a very hard time holding things together when is fiancé and friends where all together.

This isn’t so different then a BT managing his commitment to the Seder without causing a family feud.

Here are the top 4 issues that most of us face…

1. Where’s it going to be – In many families, there’s a tradition of having a Seder at a certain family member’s home.  There are two major problems that come up… Kosher food and traveling.  When I first became religious, my Seder host agreed to get me kosher food for the Seder.  This was a big help, but I recognize that not everyone’s family is so open and giving.  Travel was more of an issue.  My first Passover after I became religious, I asked to sleep over for two nights at my brothers house so I could be with the family for a Seder.  The problem was that my family only had one Seder.  For the second night, my brother’s family drove to his in laws.  I ended up walking 6 miles to a Rabbis house to have the second Seder.

Solution: If possible, offer to have the Seders at your house.  This will solve both the problem of kosher food and travel for you.

2. Sleepover party? – Having the Seder at your home solves the travel problem for you, but doesn’t help solve the travel problem for your guests.  Most secular Jews aren’t going to be so keen on your insistence on a 48 hour sleepover party.

Solution: I’ve heard different opinions on this matter, but the one that I go by is that one can invite guests for Shabbas or Yuntuf as long as the host is prepared for the guests to sleep over as opposed to driving home.  You should consult your local orthodox Rabbi to see what’s right for you. 

3. Can we eat yet? – The Seders can be very long and some of your guests can grow hungry and impatient along the way.

Solution: Serve some food before the Seder.  This should be done before sunset.  This way you’ll be able to hold your guests attention for longer.  For the kids, have snacks to give out during the Seder.

4. Boring – For you the Seder may be very interesting, but we need to keep our guests in mind.  If we don’t keep it interesting, we’re going to lose them.  Also, some of the text is more relatable then others.
1. Solution: My wife and I came up with a system where, during certain less inspiring paragraphs, I will read them silently to myself while she leads everyone in a game.  The paragraphs I usually read silently are 1. It happened that Rabbi Eliezer… until the 4 sons.  2. One might think that the obligation to discuss the Exodus commences… through Blessed is He Who keeps his pledge.  3. Rabbi Yose the Galiliean said… until Dayenu.  For the games, we’ve done Passover-Jeopardy, Name that song, Passover-Who wants to be a millionaire?, etc.  We’ll prepare a variety of questions in different decrees of difficulty and ask them according to our guests.  You might ask someone without a strong Jewish education to name Moses’s sister.  You may ask someone with a stronger Jewish education to name Aaron’s two brothers in law that we know of.  (Feel free to post the answer to question 2.)  My wife does a great job on this and it keeps it interesting for all.  I usually try to prepare some other commentary as we go along that I feel is particularly interesting. 

Good luck and keep in mind that one of the most important things we can do at the Seder is to educate and inspire our guests.  If we work hard to do both then it will truly be a Shana Habah B’Yerushalayim… Next year in Jerusalem!

Toulouse Murders: How can we understand such tragedies?

Whenever a tragedy happens, we search for answers as to why.  There’s something in our nature that we have a hard time accepting meaningless destruction.  If something happened for a purpose greater than ourselves, we have a much easier time accepting it.

Only G-d knows why he does what he does, but we can come up with a list of potential answers as to why such things occur.  We won’t be able to come up with a clear understanding, but maybe we can derive some comfort through the process.

These answers has as much to do with the 4 Jewish souls and 3 French policemen that were taken from this world by a madman as much as they have to do with any similar event.

1. Pre-ordained – I once heard a Rabbi ask the question; can someone die before their time?  Dealing with it from a hypothetical scenario, it’s an interesting debate.  I’ve heard knowledgeable Rabbis debate both sides of the issue.  There doesn’t seem to be a consensus, but the possibility does exist that someone can’t die before their time.  I once heard a story of a childless couple ask their Rebbe for a blessing that they should have children, but he refused to give it.  Time went on and they kept asking and he kept refusing.  Eventually, the Rebbe gave in and the couple had a child.  After some time, the child got sick and died.  They came distraught to the Rebbe and he explained that he understood that the soul of their child had completed almost everything it needed to complete in a previous life and it just needed a few months more in this world.  The ramifications to this opinion are clear.  The victims of this or any other tragedy has simply reached their allotted time on this earth.  This, by no way, absolves the murderer.  Each of us as free will and a killer has no justification.  G-d deal with things the way he wants to.  He doesn’t need our help to fulfill his will.

2. Atonement for Past Lives – Since we do have the concept of reincarnation in Judaism, any punishment that we receive in this world could be a punishment or atonement for since in our past lives.

3. Atonement for this life – When G-d created humans, he gave us free will and temptation.  We also contain an evil inclination and animalistic desires.  With all this in mind, we all make mistakes.  Since the righteous among us are judged more severely, their minor sins are treated as willful transgressions.  It could be that victims of atrocities are going through their respective atonement for their actions.  This answer falls apart when it comes to children who are not responsible for their actions and require no atonement.

4. The effect on us – It always struck me as odd that when Christians are persecuted somewhere in the world, by Christian friends don’t seem to be bothered so much.  Maybe because it’s a direct opposite of the feelings that we feel.  A Jew maybe in a country I’ve never been to, a different color then me and speak a language that I don’t understand, but if he is suffering, we feel it.  If he needs help, I want to do whatever I can to help him.  If he has been kidnapped or in danger, we’ll pay whatever price we need to save him.  With that in mind, when a Jew is murdered, G-d forbid, it’s not just their family and friends who feel the loss.  We all feel it.  When I hear that a father and his two children are savagely murdered in front of a Jewish day school, I think of how many times I brought my two children to their day school.  We mourn and we feel the loss. 

I can’t begin to clarify why this tragedy happened, but I do know that if we are grieving, there’s a reason for it.  We need to take the suffering that we feel and strengthen ourselves to dedicate even more of our lives to G-d. 

It’s not enough that we just go about our lives.

It’s not even enough if we make up for the mitzvahs that Rabbi Yonatan, Aryeh & Gavriel Sandler along with Miriam Montenago would have done.

In their merit and in the merit of all Jews who have been taken from this world by our enemies, we must learn enough Torah and perform enough mitzvahs until the time that we can be reunited with all of our brothers and sisters with the coming of the moshiach may he come immediately.

Parsha Vayikra – Animal sacrifice… gross!

For the past 10 or so years, I’ve been a quasi vegetarian.  My reasons for not eating so much meat are the same as the “quasi” part of my quasi vegetarianism.  I didn’t stop eating meat, because of health or moral reasons.  I did so, because meat, or the idea that meat comes for an animal grosses me out.

I’ll eat chicken, fish or even beef in the right circumstances.  The right circumstances don’t always happen.  If I see bone, fat, feathers, skin, or anything similar anywhere near my plate, I get squeamish and stick with the vegetables.  After 7 years of marriage, my wife, who’s a dietician, knows what to do if she wants to cook me any of the above.  She prepares my dish in the kitchen or at the other end of the table and brings me a plate that has no reminders that the food used to be alive.  Though this is a pain in the neck for her, she does it without complaint.

Even though most people don’t share my views on eating meat, there are few of us who can spend a lot of time at a slaughter house and not be a little nauseous. 

All the more so, the thought of animal sacrifice, as outlined in this weeks Torah portion, can make us feel a bit uneasy.  Vayikra goes into many graphic details about how animals were slaughtered in the Mishkan (Temporary Tabernacle) and in the Beis Hamikdash (Holy Temple.)  What many people don’t talk about is that when the Moshiach (Messiah or Savior) comes and builds the third and final Beis Hamikdash, we will start performing regular animal sacrifices again. 

On the surface, slaughtering animals as offerings seems not so nice and barbaric at best. 

Does G-d really need our sacrifices?  Do we really think that we can make up for a sin by sending a nice piece of steak up to G-d?  Both of these answers seem to clearly be no.  We know the G-d is totally self sufficient and doesn’t need anything from us.  Following that logic, if he doesn’t need to receive the animal offering, it must be that there’s something about us where we, spiritually, need to give the offering.

There are many possible explanations.  I’m going to try to focus on a few that best answer the question for me.  An animal offering not only represents a monetary gift, it also represents a dedication towards the fulfillment of Hashem’s will.  Imagine planting a new fruit tree and waiting patiently for it to produce fruit.  Those of us with backyard gardens can tell you that the first fruit or vegetable is always the best, because it’s the first product of your hard work.  Torah law demands that we give those first fruits to G-d.  If it was just a monetary gift, then it wouldn’t make a difference whether it be the first, second or third.  The first is only worth more to the owner, not to general buyers.  By giving it to G-d, we are acknowledging that he is the true source for all that we have.

Another explanation is that Chassidic sources explain that our soul is made up of several parts.  There is a G-dly soul that wants to perform the commandments set forth in the Torah.  Then there is an animal soul that wants to fulfill its basic wants and desires, even if the contradict the Torah.  By sacrificing an animal, we are in a sense, diminishing the power of our animal soul and strengthening the power of our G-dly soul.  If we can perfect this process then by the time the Third Beis Hamikdash gets here, which should be very soon, we’ll have a complete understanding of animal offerings.

Parsha Vayakhel – Pekudei – You got to have faith…

As we come to the end of the book of Exodus (Shemos), the Torah portion of Vayakhel, among other things, discusses the construction of the Mishkan (temporary tabernacle) and all of the vessels and items that it needed to operate.

In the Jewish people’s first building campaign, they gave with such generosity that Moses actually had to tell them to stop giving.  This was probably the first and last time that a Rabbi told his congregants to stop giving money.  J

Chapter 25, verse 27 tells us that “the princes brought shoham stones...”  The great Torah commentator, Rashi, asks why the Princes did not contribute anything when the Mishkan was first constructed and only contributed at the inauguration of the alter (Mizbeach)?

He answers that the Princes lacked faith in the generosity of the Jewish people.  They said to themselves that the Jewish people should contribute first to the Mishkan and we’ll contribute whatever is missing.  When they saw that the Jewish people were contributing with an open hand, they got nervous and scrambled.  They ran to donate whatever was left before the Jewish people donated everything and they lost the opportunity to have contributed.

Thankfully for them, they got in the shoham stones for the High Priests breast plate.

There are several lessons that we can draw from this story.

Lesson 1... Alacrity

In the great work of  Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato, the Path of the Just, he explains to us that doing a mitzvah is only the first step towards greatness.  We must strive to do it with alacrity.  We shouldn’t passively sit back and wait until we feel like doing the mitzvah.  We should get up and run towards it.  Every time that we’re faced with the opportunity to do a mitzvah to a kindness for our fellow, it’s literally an opportunity to accomplish the will of G-d.  If someone saw a winning lottery ticket on the ground, they wouldn’t stand around and pick it up when they felt like it.  They’d jump on top of it with all of their speed and might.  If we would behave that way for a finite reward, how much more so should we behave that way for the infinite reward of following G-d properly.

Lesson 2… Faith

It always surprises me when naysayers doubt the potential of a Jew trying to accomplish something great.  Whenever someone sets out a bold goal, there always seem to be people around who, not only don’t want to participate, they want to tell the person that their goal is impossible.  If a Jew is fulfilling the will of G-d with all of their being, what could be impossible?  For years I’ve been involved with many different Jewish organizations and I can tell you with complete faith that when a Jew acts for the sake of Heaven, mountains can be moved. 

As the leaders of the people of Israel, the Princes should have not only acted with alacrity for the sake of their own mitzvah, they should have understood that there was no way the Jewish people wouldn’t deliver everything in their power at such a momentous occasion.

As the future leaders of Israel (yes I’m talking to you who’s reading this article) we must strengthen ourselves to attach on to mitzvah opportunities and not only believe that our fellow can accomplish them, but to run right along side him to help get it done.

Parsha Ki Sisa – The Golden Calf… what the heck is going on here?!

The incident of the golden calf in the Torah portion of Ki Sisa is one of the most troubling things in all of Chumash. 

It’s hard for us to understand that a nation that stood at the foot of Mount Sinai and heard the words of the G-d directly could possibly sink so low in a short 39 days later. 

To better understand the situation, let’s first go over the words of the Torah translated from the Sapirstein Edition Artscroll Rashi Chumash.  I’m going to highlight some key words that we’ll focus on after the text.

Chapter 32, Verses 1-5: The people saw that Moses delayed in descending the mountain and the people gathered around Aaron and said to him “Rise up, make for us g-ds who will go before us, for this Moses, the man who brought us up from Egypt – we do not know what became of him!”  Aaron said to them, “Remove the golden rings that are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters and bring them to me.”  The entire people unburdened themselves of the golden rings that were in their ears and brought them to Aaron.  He took it from their hands and he bound it in a scarf, and made it into a molten calf; then they said, “These are your g-ds” O Israel, who brought you up from the land of Egypt.”  Aaron saw and built an alter before him; Aaron called out and said, “A festival to Hashem tomorrow!”

Verse 25-28: Moses stood at the gateway of the camp and said, “Whoever is for Hashem, the me!” and all the Levites gathered unto him.  He said to them, “So said Hashem the G-d of Israel, ‘Let them place every man his sword on his thigh, and pass back and forth from gate to gate in the camp; and let them kill every man his brother, every man his fellow and every man his relative’”  The Levites did according to the word of Moses, and there fell from the people about three thousand men on that day.”

Verse 35: Hashem smote the people with a plague, because they made the calf that Aaron had made.

Let’s delve a little deeper into some of the back round stories (Midrashim) and commentaries. 

1.      Let’s start with the word “g-ds” in the second line of my text.  As we know, the Torah has many names for G-d.  Some of those names can also be used for other things.  In our verse, the Torah uses the name Elokim which can mean G-d, but can also mean leader.

2.      To back up the “leader” explanation, we only need to go to the next line where the Torah uses the word “man.”  If the people really wanted to make an idol or another G-d, why would the purpose of its creation be because Moses was missing?  Moses was clearly a man and their leader.  The creation of the golden calf was clearly a poor attempt and trying to create a middle entity between them and G-d.  Why did they think that needed something in between them and G-d?  For that we can go back to the 10 commandments in the Torah portion Yisro where the commentators tell us that after hearing the first 2 commandments directly from G-d, it was too much for the people and they asked that Moses say the remaining commandments instead of G-d.

3.      In line 5, Rashi tells us that Aaron told the men to get the jewelry from their wives as a delay tactic.  He expected their wives to give them a hard time.  In fact, he was correct.  None of their wives gave up their gold or participated in the incident with the golden calf in any way.

4.      In line 8 it says that, “They said” “O Israel.”  Clearly it seems like some people who are not Jews are speaking to the Jewish people.  Rashi tells us that when the Jewish people left Egypt, a great conglomeration of different people followed them and it was in fact these people who incited the incident with the golden calf.  This also explains who “the people” were that gathered around Aaron in the first place.

5.      Once the calf was complete, Aaron states that there will be a festival to Hashem tomorrow.  In doing this, he was saying two things.  The first is that he was trying to delay them a day, because he knew that Moses would be back tomorrow.  The second was that he was telling them that there is only one G-d, using the proper, undisputable name of Hashem.

6.      Popular misconception is that the golden calf was worshiped by the entire nation or at least close to it.  The Torah tells us that only 3,000 men committed the most grievous of sins.  I can’t find a reliable source for how many people died in the plague, but I’ve heard the number 30,000 thrown around.  There were roughly 3 million people that left Egypt.  30,000 represent 1% of that.  3,000 represents .01% of that… a rather minuscule number compared to the people at large.

The crime that the rest of the people were guilty of was not stopping it.  We are truly one people and we share in each others joys and sorrows.  If our fellow sins and we have the ability to stop it and we don’t, we bare some of the responsibility.  We should try to keep this shared responsibility in mind in our daily lives

I originally wanted to also write about Aaron’s role in the incident and how someone of his greatness could have participated and then get elevated to become High priest just a few Torah portions later, but since the article is long enough already you’ll have to wait until next year. 

Parsha Tetzaveh – Driving on Shabbas

The last time that I drove in a car on Shabbas was just under 3 years ago.  I still remember the day.  It was March 23^rd/ the 25^th of the Hebrew month of Adar.  It was a nice Saturday morning in early spring when my wife and I got into the car and drove into the city for the day.

You may be thinking… “Wait a minute.  You’ve been a Shomer Shabbas for roughly 10 years.  Are you confessing to a religious relapse?”  Not really. 

That was the day that my wife went into labor and my daughter was born. 

Jewish law allows one to drive in a car, or the like, on Shabbas when there is a danger to someone’s life.  Labor falls into this category.   There is an important question regarding such activity…

Is it that…

1. it’s permissible to break the Shabbas when a danger to life occurs or
2. the Shabbas is suspended in regards to that activity and one is not breaking the Shabbas at all

At first glance one would think that it’s permissible to break Shabbas in order to save a life.  After all, the Shabbas isn’t really suspended when you’re driving to the hospital.  You can’t start blasting the radio or make telephone calls that don’t relate to the trip.  The Shabbas and its rules clearly still exist.

There’s a hint the answer in this weeks parsha.  The Torah tells us about the High Priests (Kohen Gadol) wardrobe.  Among the many special garments is The Ephod which can probably best be described as an apron.  The Torah clearly states that it’s made from a mixture of wool and linen. 

For those of us familiar with the prohibition of shatness (mixture of wool and linen in the same garment), this should throw up a big red flag.  After all, when we buy new suits or clothing, it’s recommended to bring them to a shatness checker and make sure the clothes don’t contain a forbidden mixture.  If they contain both wool and linen in the same garment, it would be forbidden to wear it. 

One would think that the classical Torah commentators would have in depth explanations about how the Kohen Gadol can wear a garment with such a mixture, but they seem to be totally silent on the issue.  I would imagine they’re silent, because the answer is obvious. 

The prohibition of Shatness simply doesn’t extend to the Kohen Gadol’s Ephod.  It simply doesn’t apply to this situation.

By the same logic, the prohibitions of Shabbas that inhibit saving someone’s life simply don’t apply when their life is in danger.  I drove to the hospital without hesitation.  In fact, the Mishneh Berura has very harsh things to say about someone if they would hesitate in such a situation.  We shouldn’t try to be more stringent then the Torah expects of us. 

The Scarecrow and the Tinman

In this past weeks Jewish Press there was an excellent article by Carl Guzman about the importance of saying “Good Shabbas” which was taught to him by his late father.

When I first started becoming observant, I was living in center city Philadelphia.  I lived about a mile or so from the closest orthodox synagogue.  On my long walks to shul on Shabbas, I hardly ever ran into another Sabbath observer.  There just weren’t that many religious Jews in the city at the time.  When I did spot someone, whether it was a friend or a out of town visitor, I was excited.  I gave them a big smile and a nice “Good Shabbas” and usually got the same in return.

As I started exploring other communities, I came to a realization, the larger community and the more frum from birth (FFB) people there, the smaller the chance of getting a “Good Shabbas” greeting in return.  And even if you got one, it typically didn’t have much feeling behind it.  If you travel to places packed with observant Jews like Israel or Brooklyn, it’s almost a guarantee to be ignored.  The exact opposite was true in smaller and more Baal Teshuvah dominated communities.  I always found this strange, but never thought that much about it.

About 3 years ago, my family and I went to the Philadelphia Zoo with some friends over Chol HaMoed Pesach.  I’m not sure if the Zoo officials knew it in advance, but it was clearly Jew at the Zoo day.  There were frummies every where.  Typically when there was a frum out of town visitor to Philly, they would always be happy to return a d Good Shabbas or a Gut Moed.  I guess that was because there weren’t so many Jews around.  In their same neighborhood, they may have been less friendly, but when they were on the road, they’d turn the smiles on.

As my friend and I walked around, we would say Gut Moed, or Chag Sameach to the Jews that we passed and most gave us a blank look or a very under their breath return greeting.  After a several rejections, I started to not say anything.  After sometime, I started reconsidering.  Is not greeting a fellow Jew the proper thing to do? 

Ethics of Our Fathers teaches us that it’s commendable to greet everyone warmly.  When it comes to Shabbas, saying “Good Shabbas” isn’t just a nice greeting.  It’s remembering the Shabbas which is not only a Torah commandment, it’s laid out as part of the 10 statements in the Torah portion, Yisro, Zachar es yom HaShabbas. (Remember the Sabbath Day.)  Should we blindly walk through our Judaism and not engage our fellow man with love and affection?

Among, FFB circles, Baal Teshuvas are often stereo typed as not being knowledgeable enough about the Torah, but passionately following what we don’t understand… bumbling around like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  There is probably some truth to every stereo type, but if BT’s are the scarecrow, then FFBs could be characterized as the Tinman whose knowledge is sound, but whose heart and emotions aren’t always behind their actions.  BTs should continuously try to learn to our knowledge catches up with our desire to cleave the G-d, but we should all be inspired enough to desire G-d even when things supersede our level of understanding.

After thinking this through, to my wife’s embarrassment, I started to give even more direct “Chag Sameachs” or “Gut Yuntufs” to my frum looking out of town guests.  While most gave be cold return greetings, some started to warm up.  As we loaded the kids into the car, I saw a very frum looking couple unload a few spaces down in the parking lot.  I gave him by biggest “Gut Yuntuf” yet.  He turned to me, gave me a huge smile and gave me and even bigger one back.  We spoke for a few minutes before I got into by car.  My wife said something like, are you happy that a frum person gave you such a greeting.  I replied that I was pretty sure that he wasn’t a Baal Teshuva, but to give a greeting like that, he must have been Lubavitch.

Parsha Terumah – Too many details…

As I was reading the Torah portion of Terumah this year, a thought occurred to me…

Too many details… There are many places where the Torah leaves out a lot of the background story and allows the Talmud and the Middrash to fill in the blanks. Tefillan are a great example. All the Torah tells us is that we should wear them. The oral tradition tells us what they are. In Terumah, it seems to give a lot of details that aren’t so inspiring or interesting. If I would have been on the Torah writing committee, I would have probably opted to spend more time with Abraham, Isaac & Jacob and less time on the exact details of the Tabernacle.

The parsha give us a plethora of details about the construction of the following the Ark, Table, Menorah & Tabernacle. This might have been very important for them to know how to build, but what relevance does it have to us? Let’s give a brief overview in no particular order…

1. Aron (Ark) as in "Raiders of the Lost…" This is where the 10 commandments and the Torah were kept.
2. Shulchan (Table). This is wear the showbreads were placed.
3. Menorah (Menorah?)  The Menorah is the Menorah.  There is a difference between the Menorah in the Temple and the one we use on Chanuhah.  The Menorah in the Temple had 6 branches plus the Shamash making a total of 7 where the ones we use today have 8 branches plus the Shamash making a total of 9.
4. Mizbe'ach (Alter) The Alter is the place where the Kohanim (Preists) offered sacrifices.
5. Mishkan (Tabernacle). The Mishkan was the early portable version of the Beis Ha Mikdash (Holy Temple.) It was used until King Soloman built the first Temple in Jerusalem. That lasted about 400 years until it was destroyed by the Babylonians. The second Temple was built 70 or so years later by Ezra and rebuild by Herod the Great. That also lasted about 400 years until it was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. When the Moshiach (Messiah) comes, we will have a Third and final Temple.

One of the many questions that’s asked about the 3rd Temple is how is it going to happen? Since it will exist at the site of the Temple Mount where the Dome of the Rock currently resided, how will the transition take place?

Do we have to take over the Temple Mount, knock down what’s there and build the Temple?

Will our cousins be so inspired by the truth of the Moshiach that they will voluntarily take down the Dome of the Rock.

Where will we get the supplies from the build it?

Where will we get the expertise to build it?

There seem to be a ton of questions about the details of how this will work.

The great Torah commentator, Rashi, gives us a clue on how to understand this in his commentary to chapter 25, verse 31. After all the details of how the Menorah should be built were given, Rashi says that Moses was still confused about how to build it. So G-d told him to throw a kikar of fold into the fire and G-d formed the Menorah himself.

One of my favorite answers to how the 3rd Temple will be come about is that G-d will build it in heaven and place it on the Temple Mount himself. The key for us is to try not to get too overwhelmed with the details. If we do what we’re supposed to do, learn Torah and perform G-d’s commandments, he’ll take care of the details.

The Inter Marriage Wedding Invitation

Nothing can send the cause more friction than a wedding invitation from a close friend or family member who’s marrying a non Jew.

The percentage of Jews marrying non Jews is probably the worst that it’s ever been in our history.  In America, the statistics are well over 50%.  If you take out orthodox Jews from the equation, it probably reaches over 80%.  There are very few families who have not seen inter marriage.  Even if one’s immediately family happen to all marry Jews, it’s an almost guarantee that our cousins wont be so fortunate.

This topic was much harder for me to write about then others.  Thankfully, my brothers and I all married Jews, so it wasn’t a personal issue that made it so difficult.  Since it’s a newer problem, there is very little written about the subject in the usual sources for Jewish law (Talmud, Mishnah Torah, Shulchen Aruch, Mishnah Berura, etc.)

Before we go too far into what one should or should not do, I’d like to define several different cases. 

1. Jewish friend or relative marrying a non Jew – This is clearly the most common situation out there.  In the same category is a non Jewish friend or relative marrying a Jew.  While less common, this is still a real life situation.  Before I became religious, one of my roommates and best friends was a Non Jew.  He married a Jewish girl.  While these wedding invitations can cause a lot of stress, it appears to be a prohibition to attend the wedding ceremony or reception.  Attending a inter marriage wedding would be a prohibition of Chillul Hashem or desecration of G-ds name.  The source comes from Leviticus (Vayikra) chapter 22, verse 32.   
2. Jewish friend or relative marrying a non Jew who went through a non-orthodox conversion. -  This is a little different then case 1 and 2.  When marrying a non Jew, most Jews no that this is a violation of Jewish law and do it anyway.  When marrying a non-orthodox convert, the Jew may not know they’re doing anything wrong according to Jewish law.  Needless to say, an orthodox convert is treated as a natural born Jew in every regard.  In fact, we have to be more sensitive to their background.  One should never verbalize a doubt as to the sincerity of an orthodox convert.  While traditional Judaism doesn’t recognize the validity of the conversion, there may be some room here to attend the wedding since the participants are not knowingly transgressing the word of G-d.
3. Marriage between two non Jews – Since it’s a mitzvah for non Jews to marry each other, there is no problem in attending their wedding as long as the celebration doesn’t take place somewhere where there are statues or paintings of things that they consider divine.  In simpler English, stay out of catholic churches.  Mosques and quaker meeting houses are probably OK since they don’t create any physical symbols of G-d.

It’s not a case, but it seems like a good point to talk about inter racial marriage.  In Judaism, a Jew is a Jew.  According to Jewish law, there is no difference between Jews of different skin colors.  That being said, there is no room for racism against fellow Jews within Judaism.  In fact, discrimination against any fellow Jew would be a violation of the Torah commandment to love your fellow Jew like yourself.

One may have a hard time finding a way to express their disapproval without destroying the relationship. This is a very slippery slope.  The Talmud tells us that we are required to rebuke someone when they’re doing something against Jewish law if we believe that they will listen to us and change their actions.  However… and this is just as important… it also tells us that it is as equally important to NOT rebuke someone if we don’t believe that they will listen to us and change their actions.  You can express their disapproval briefly or simply by not attending.  If you don’t believe that your rebuke will result in them calling off the engagement, its best not to make your expression of disapproval any longer then it has to be.

Now that we’ve discussed what you can’t do, let’s talk about what you can do.

You can spend time with your friend or relative and tell them while you’re not happy with their choice to marry a non Jew, you love and care for them very much.

You can visit them before the wedding and tell them how much you love them.

You can visit them after the wedding, as long as your visit as no connection to the wedding itself.  For example, if the wedding was on a Saturday night and they were having lunch for the wedding party on Sunday, it would probably be best not to attend the Sunday lunch.  It would be OK to visit Sunday night and spend time with them.

While we can’t celebrate with them, we can and should still treat them as our friends and loved ones.  If the Jew is a woman, their children will be Jewish, which means all the more reason to keep a strong loving relationship.

The key to navigating through this is the same as most areas in life.  If your relationship with the person is on solid footing and built on a respect of the choices that each of us make, it will survive.  It’s our job to nurture those relationships so they can get through challenges no matter what they are.

 

Parsha Mishpatim – I get by with a little help from my friends

Several years ago I was visiting a community for Shabbas.  It happened to be a Shalom Zachor (Friday night gathering after the birth of a baby boy) that Shabbas and my host and I went.  It was pretty late at night.  All of the Rabbis and older people had left and only the younger crowd remained. 

I was called upon to say some words of Torah when I explained the concept of a city of refuge.  The Torah alludes to it in Parsha Mishpatim and spells it out in several occasions.  When a man accidentally murders his fellow, he can escape punishment by going to certain cities inhabited by members of the tribe of Levi where he can safely spend the rest of his days. 

What’s interesting about the city of refuge is that it is the exact opposite of our penal system.  In modern day countries criminals are housed with other criminals.  First time offenders are often housed with violent inmates and they learn how to become better criminals and exit prison, often, worse then when they arrived.

In the Torah system, these offenders are sent to cities inhabited by the Levites, our holiest tribe.  Presumably they follow the excellent example of their new friends & neighbors and improve themselves why their there. 

As I concluded the Dvar Torah, I remarked that it was very comforting to be in the company of my new friends and I was hoping that their influence would elevate me.  When I finished, the guy to my left said that there were other people to be friends with in the cities of refuge besides just the Levites.  When I asked who, he responded, the other accidental murderers implying that my present company did not see themselves as so holy.

It was a cute statement, but it brings up an interesting question… who do we choose to be our friends and what impact do they have on our life?

Ethics of our fathers warns us to distance ourselves from a bad neighbor and cautions us not to become friends with a wicked person.  I would imagine that most of us wouldn’t define our friends as wicked, but we also generally don’t think about what impact our friends are having on us.  Ideally, we should think about who we choose to spend time with and why.

Ideally, surrounding us with positive and avoiding negative role models is something we can all do.  This isn’t to say that we should break off relationships that we have with people just because they aren’t perfect.  However, if someone is influencing us negatively, we should minimize the amount of time we spend with them and try to avoid areas where they’re bringing us down.  We should also think about the people we spend time with and what qualities they do have.  I venture to say that we can find traits that we’d like to emulate in the people we’re closest with.  We should also think about the areas that we want to improve in our own lives and spend time with role models.

The more we do that, the less we’ll have to rely upon the cities of refuge.

Parsha Yisro - Is Judaism Sexist?

Since before the women's lib movement, people have been asking if traditional Judaism considers one sex on a higher spiritual level than the other. We’ll explore the facts and myths to finally answer the question… Is Judaism Sexist?

It’s not hard to see why someone may think that traditional Judaism could be sexist. After all, women don’t…wear Tefillan, wear a tallis or tzitzit, count when forming a minyan. The list goes on and on…
 Lead the Grace after meals
 Become Rabbis
 Become a Cantor or Chazzan
 Wear a kippah or Yarmulke

Before we get too caught up in why women don’t do these things, let’s explore the reason why men do these things.

The commandment of Tefillan was given with the rest of the Torah after Moses spent 2 sets of 40 days on Mount Sinai. He spent 2 sets of days there, because he was begging for forgiveness of the Jewish people after the Jewish people made the golden calf. The true story is that not every Jew participated in the making and worshiped the golden calf. In fact, one of the sexes did not participate at all in the golden calf. One to take a guess which sex was totally innocent? If you guessed, women, you are correct.

We were commanded to wear tzitzit on the corners of our garment in the Torah portion Shelach after someone was caught gathering sticks on Shabbas. This was a crime punishable by death. The Rabbis tell us that Moses pleaded on behalf of the sinner using the argument that, since we don’t wear our tefillan on Shabbas, the sinner didn’t have a reminder that he shouldn’t sin. What sex was the sinner??? A man.

We derive what a minyan is from the incident of the spies in the Torah portion, Shelach. The Torah tells us that Moses sent a group of 12 representatives to spy out the land of Israel before they entered it. Out of the 12, 10 of them came back with an evil report and slandered the land of Israel describing how strong it’s inhabitants are and that the we wouldn’t be able to overcome them. They convinced a portion of the people and complained to Moses that they didn’t want to enter the land. This started the 40 years of wondering in the desert. The 10 evil spies were described as a congregation and this is a source that we need 10 people for a minyan. Just like the incident with the golden calf, all of the evil spies and their followers were men. In regards to prayer, one may ask why we need to pray with a minyan at all. Shouldn’t our sincere prayers count? The answer is that, sincere prayers do count. The Rabbis tell us that because of our sins, the gates of heaven are closed to prayer except for those who pray sincerely or for those that pray with a minyan. The fact that women are not counted in a minyan, what does it tell you about the sincerity of their prayer?

In the Torah portion of Yisro, G-d commands Moses to give the teach the commandments of the Torah to “to the house of Jacob and relate to the Children of Israel.” The great Torah commentator Rashi explains this, seemingly, repetitive statement. He tells us that the House of Jacob was referring to the women and the Children of Israel was referring to the men. The Midrash Rabbah explains that when G-d gave the first commandment to Adam first and then to Eve, they transgressed and the world was almost ruined. To rectify that, G-d gave the Torah to the women first and then the men. It also explains that the Torah was given to the women first because they are prompt in fulfilling commandments. Men were given certain specific commandments because they needed special methods to perform G-d’s will.
After looking at several of the commandments and the reason for them, I think that it’s safe to say that the Torah does consider one of the sexes to be on a higher spiritual level then the other one. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which one.

Just Get Married!

About 8 years ago I was at a Shabbaton and I was talking to a friend of mine and a local outreach Rabbi that we both know. The friend that I was with had been involved with orthodox Judaism for several years longer that I was, but his commitment to mitzvah observance was slow. Also, where I was engaged, this friend was having a hard time meeting the right person.

After trying to convince my friend why he should be more observant and how doing so would help him find the right wife, the Rabbi, in a moment of slight frustration said something like “Just get married, move to Israel & Frum-Out.”

I found it odd that there’s so much pressure put on single Ba’al Teshuvas to get married. The statements don’t seem to focus that much on finding the right person for you or becoming a person that’s capable of being in a successful marriage. It seems like getting married is the most important thing and having a successful marriage will somehow automatically come later. At one point, divorce was extremely rare among observant Jews, but over the past couple decades, our numbers have risen dramatically.

Around the same time that I got engaged, a friend of mine started dating someone. He was introduced to someone by a mutual friend and after a very short dating period, they announced their engagement. He was telling me about his new bride and he said something like “I’m frum and she’s frum and we have the same goals because we want to both live a frum lifestyle.” I remember thinking that this poor guy had no clue what he was in for. After a year or so of marriage, they separated. It took some time, but they eventually worked things out. I know another guy who was engaged to a girl that he didn’t know so well and he and his fiancé both had cold feet. Their Rabbis reassured them that they would be fine and they shouldn’t delay the wedding. They continued and she quickly became pregnant, but unfortunately, they didn’t get along so well and separated before their baby was even born.

I understand why there’s so much pressure for people to get married. As time goes on, and people get older, they are more likely to marry non-Jews. Needless to say, the intermarriage problem in America is of catastrophic proportions affecting well over half of Jews and almost every family. I also agree that Jews should feel a sense of urgency and want to get married, but I don’t think they should move so fast that they marry someone who isn’t right for them or they marry before they’re mature enough to handle it. It’s not enough to both be Jewish and frum. There are other basic essentials that need to be in place. It’s also crucial that individually, people are in a place where they’re ready to give fully to another in order to make the marriage work. Marriage isn’t a 50-50. It’s a 100-100. Both people need to give 100% of themselves to the other.

When I was single, the pressure that I felt from my mentors and some of the Rabbis around me was enormous. I was 28 years old when I started exploring my Judaism. Up until that point, I never felt an impeding urge to get married. All of a sudden, it seemed like people were saying that I needed to get married ASAP or I would be in trouble. Considering that it took my wife a year and a half of convincing before she’d agree to marry me, I suffered through many comments from people that we were wasting our time and I just needed to get married already. The truth is that my wife was very wise. Her parents were divorced when she was a child and it left scars that she had no intention of repeating with her children. In order to ensure this, my wife forced us to learn as much as possible about marriage and its potential pitfalls, talk to Rabbis and councilors and talk about the myriads of issues that could come up before she would agree to get engaged. Because of her insistence, we educated ourselves and formed both an intellectual and emotional bond before we formed the physical bond of marriage. It enabled us to deal with the challenges that marriage and children bring upon a couple much more affectively. Right before we got married, we met with a Rabbi whom I’m very close with and his wife for advice. He said something to me that’s as clear today as the day he said it. He said “You’re going to get married and have a big party, dance and celebrate, be among friends and loved ones and after everyone’s gone, you’re going to be alone in a room together with each others dirty underwear.” It’s a funny statement, but the point it home quickly. Marriage isn’t about the party or taking something off your “To do” list. It’s a bond. It’s rejoining your soul with its long lost counterpart, taking on your help-mate, which can and will be against you at appropriate times. It’s joining together the good and the bad of both of you.

A year after I got married, one of my best friends got married. On the night that I was supposed to host a sheva bracha for him and his new bride, he called me and told me that both of them have caught a stomach virus and they couldn’t make it. As he apologized, I told him how lucky he was. He and his new wife were getting a very quick lesson on the practicalities of marriage and having to take care of each other in not the most pleasant circumstance. No matter what came their way after this, it would be a step up from a new chassan and kallah both needing to use the bathroom in a 1 bathroom house. It’s been several years and they’re one of the happiest couples that I know.

Parsha Beshalach - Does G-d care?

This past week I was discussing the frustrating bureaucracy of certain government offices with a co-worker. Since the Presidential election is on the mind of most Americans, I started to tell her to make sure she votes. I remembered from past years that this woman does not vote for religious reasons. The form of christianity that she believes in states that the only leader is G-d and that to vote would be anti G-d some how. As this came to mind, I told her to pray to the L-rd that he reforms are government.

As she was walking away she said “I’m pretty sure that G-d doesn’t care about the bureaucracy of our government.”

Her statement really had an impact on me. If she believes that something is “to trivial” for G-d to deal with, she’s saying, in other words, that G-d has a limited amount of focus or energy and only concerns himself with the big stuff, G-d forbid. She’s also saying that G-d only concerns himself with our “big prayers” and doesn’t care about our prayers for things that he deems minor.

Both of these things are the complete opposite of Jewish ideas and basic common sense. An infinite being has an infinite amount of focus and energy. For G-d, splitting the Red Sea takes no more energy then making sure that I have peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

By suggesting that G-d doesn’t want us to pray for the small stuff, she was also implying that our trivial prayers bother the L-rd and essentially, he’s too busy to deal with us. The truth is that G-d wants to hear our prayers and constructed a world in which we not only would pray, but our commanded to pray. Along with praise, our prayers are constructed to deal with the every day topics of health & prosperity. When we encounter situations that are troubling, our reaction should be to pray to G-d for help, no matter how big or small the problem may be.

One could question why G-d waited for the Jewish people to ask for water and food when they entered the desert. The L-rd knows that we were going to get thirsty & hungry. The truth is that G-d wanted to hear our prayers. After we cried out to G-d sincerely, even though we didn’t do it in the best possible manner, he fulfilled our requests.

Parsha Bo – Let’s do the math.

In verse 51 of the Torah portion, Bo, Moses leads the Jewish people out of Egypt. The Torah tells us that there were 600,000 men between the ages of 20 - 60. Presumably, there were at least that many women, plus children and the elderly. Most commentators estimate the total number of Jews that left Egypt to be roughly 3 million people.

The Torah also tells us that Jacob entered Egypt with a total of 70 people, not including the wives of Jacob’s sons. Our sages tell us that we were in Egypt a total of 210 years.

You may be thinking… wait a minute… 70 people grow to 3 million in 210 years? Well… it gets worse.

The Rabbis tell us that that there was a large portion of the Jewish people that didn’t want to leave Egypt. The great Torah commentator, Rashi, tells is that they were so assimilated into Egyptian culture that they didn’t deserve to be freed. This was one of the purposes of the 9th plague, darkness. During this plague, all of the assimilated Jews died and the other Jews buried them. G-d didn’t want the Egyptians to have the pleasure of watching Jews bury other Jews so he left them in darkness until it was complete. The Rabbis tell us that they buried 80% of the Jews during the plague of darkness. If that’s the case, then 3 million only represents 20% of the Jewish people, there were roughly 15 million Jews at the beginning of the plagues.

So, how did we grow from 70 or so to 15 million? Doesn’t seem possible. One may be tempted to think that the Torah was grossly exaggerating the number of Jews that left, but the Torah doesn’t grossly exaggerate. Let’s do the math and see what we come up with.

Jacob arrived in Egypt with 70 people.

Out of that 70, we’ll subtract him, his wives and his sons since they were done having kids. We’ll also subtract is daughters and granddaughters so we have a total of 51 grandsons of Jacob in Egypt. Rashi also tells us that the Jewish women in Egypt had “legions” of children. I don’t know how many a legion constitutes, but I’ve heard the figure 12 thrown around. Let’s assume that the average generation is 33 years.

So, by year 33 in Egypt, these 51 men had married 51 women and had a total of 612 children.

At year 66, these 612 people had 3,672 children.

Year 99 produced 22,032 children.

Year 132 produced 132,192 children.

Year 165 produced 793,152 children.

Year 198 produced 4,758,912 children.

The Jewish people left 12 years later. Assuming that the generation which left only produced 6 kids before they left, that would bring us to a figure of over 14 million people.

These are obviously estimates. It’s quite possible that some people had fewer kids, but I’m sure some people had more. Also, since people lives well past 100, several generations went out at the same time. The exact numbers aren’t so important. What is important is that the Torah is ultimate truth. If we ever reach a topic where we don’t think that mathematics or any science can coexist with what the Torah tells us, instead of casting a doubt on Torah, we should be patient and give science some time to get things right.