My Sins Are Better Than Your Sins

Over Passover, I had a friend come for a meal who I like very much, but don’t get to see so often.

As we were catching up about our learning, families and lives, he told me that he hadn’t had an alyiah to the Torah in a couple years.  I was a little surprised, because he normally davens at a mid sized shul and surely he would have been in the rotation several times over.  I know that he’s a regular minyan goer, so I asked why.  He told me that the shul he davens at his a policy about not giving an alyiah to someone who is married to a non-Jew.

Like me, this friend is a Ba’al Teshuva.  Unlike me who starting my spiritual journey when I was single and in my 20s.  He started his spiritual journey when he was in his 50s and already had a wife, several children & grandchildren.  Thought I have never met his family, from the stories he tells me, they sound like very nice people.  He told me that he’d discussed the situation with three different prominent Rabbis that his local Rabbis referred him to.  One told him to leave his wife, marry a young girl and start a new family.  The other two didn’t give him any advice but sympathized that he was in a very tough situation.  I’ve spoke to him many times about the situation and similarly to the ladder Rabbis, offered no practical advice or action plans.  I just offered my support and friendship and was there if he ever wanted to talk.  Part of being a kiruv Rabbi or any type of mentor is to know when to push someone into performing a mitzvah or stopping from a sin and knowing when to keep your mouth shut about or even council to someone to slow down their spiritual growth if they’re growing in a wrong direction or headed for burn out.  Leaving his wife, and essentially his children, would simply be too much to handle for this person.

The inspiration for writing this article is not to give practical advice to someone who is married to a nom-Jew.  For that there is no advice to give.  Everyone needs to make their own individual decision about what’s right for them.  When pressed for an answer regarding this question, I usually tell the person that there are 613 separate mitzvahs.  This is one of them.  Come back to me after they’ve fulfilled the other 612.

My inspiration is the synagogues decision of what sins one can perform and still get an alyiah and what sins they consider too great to be called to the Torah.  In my studies, I have not come across any type of defined ranking of sins from “not so bad” to “the worst.”  We go have some clues, because different sins have different penalties associated with them.  For example, eating non kosher food is punishable by lashes while improper marital relations and violating the Shabbas is punishable by death.  We may be able to derive from this somewhat of an order, but even this isn’t so clear.

Is eating non ritually slaughtered chicken the same as eating pork?  The punishments are.

Where do we draw the line about whose in the club and whose somehow outside?

Is it Shabbas observance?

Is it family purity?  (Appropriate use of the mikvah within marital relations) 

Is it improper speech which may embarrass someone?

I’m not trying to down play the negative effects of inter marriage. 

I am trying to point out that we don’t have the right or the knowledge to judge whose in and whose out… of whose sins are worse and whose sins are more forgivable. 

Its very easy for most of us to speak about how sinful intermarriage is or homosexuality, because most of us aren’t in that situation or have those temptations.  I have yet to see a Rabbi stand up and say that anyone who speaks improperly will no longer be called to the Torah.  Why not?  This is a sin, but somehow we look the other way.  Why?  Is it because it’s somehow less serious of a sin?  I would venture to say that’s not the reason.  We look the other way because we tend to judge sins that we commit as less severe and sins that other people commit as terrible.

Essentially, we’re saying that our sins are better than your sins.

In the Shabbas morning minyan that I typically daven in, there is one person who makes a strong attempt to keep down the talking during the davening by either shushing or making announcements.  A couple weeks ago, I noticed that he was talking during davening.  I went over and nicely, but sarcastically said, do you notice that whenever you talk during davening, it’s for the sake of heaven and whenever other people talk it’s for mundane purposes.  He laughed and acknowledged it was true.

Just to clarify, I am not advocating talking during davening, inter marriage or any other sin for that matter. 

I am advocating that we need to judge each other leniently and lovingly.  If we decide that we want to take a stand against sins, that’s great, but we should direct it inward towards the sins that we commit, because we all sin in one area or another.

Are You My Rebbe?

There was once an orphan who was left at the entrance of a kibbutz when he was a baby.  The kibbutznicks took him in and raised him as their own. They took turns taking care of him so they could all share in such a precious mitzvah.   He spent time with all the men of the kibbutz, talking to them, learning from them, gleaning the positive qualities that appealed to him from each and every one.  Even though each man had many similarities to his fellow kibbutznick, there were also many differences in both substance and flavor. This went on from day to day and from year to year until he grew from a boy to a man of his own.

When he reached an adult, he asked the question that everyone knew he’d ask one day, but they still never came up with a good answer... “Who’s my father?” 

The silence was deafening as the men stood speechless finally confronting the very question that they had no answer for... Until one of the many men who had helped shape this young man replied… “We all are.”

This may or may not have answered what the young man was looking for. He knew he was an orphan.  He knew that he had no biological father to speak of.  What he was really asking was, which one if you is going to be the one that I call “my father”?  Which one of you should I call my name “Paloni son of ____”?  Which one of you shall grant me an inheritance? Which one if you will escort me to my chuppah?  Which one of you will help me shape my identity?

In his search for an individual answer, be found a collective one. In his search for an individual identity, he found his identity within the group.  This may not have been the answer he was looking for.  It may not have been the ideal answer, but it was his answer.

This story represents so many Baal Teshuvas searching for our spiritual father.  Our Rebbes are Chabad.  They are Aish HaTorah.  They are Or Samaech.  They went to Chofetz Chaim, Shappels & Berel Wein’s yeshiva.  How do we choose one of our spiritual fathers above the others?  How do we pick our Rebbe? 

They’re all so different.  They are all part of us, but their views are too different for us to be them.

They say that America is a melting pot, a place where different people can blend together to become one.  If that’s so, then we are the melting pot for Baal Teshuvas.  We take different ideas from our different Rebbes and the shape us into who we are.

The benefits are extraordinary.  Today’s Baal Teshuva isn’t interested in the any old fights.  We aren’t interested at attacking the minor differences.  We celebrate the beauty of the many facets to Torah and the approach of very different people.  Unfortunately, the challenges are enormous, for we have no one spiritual father.  We may struggle with our identity as Baal Teshuvas, not knowing who our spiritual father is.  Which minhag do I take on?  Which nusach do I daven?  Who is my Rebbe? 

While it would be ideal for us to find one Rebbe who understands us, its a tough role to fill.  For we have been spiritually raised by the collective.  A new BT can dance between the teachings of the Chassidim and the teachings of Vilna, from all spectrums of the Jewish life. This isn’t the ideal answer, but for some of us, it’s the only answer, they all are our Rebbes.  

May it come speedily in our days, may it come immediately today, the coming of the one and only Rebbe for the Baal Teshuva, the righteous Moshiach, please come to us and guide us.

I once read, in the name of the Lubavitcher Rebbe that the Holy Temple had a separate entrance for each tribe, but it also had one extra entrance... For those don’t know which tribe they’re from.

Inspired by my dear friend Yosef Chaim ben Yeshuah HaLevi who never seems to give up his desire to find his long lost Rebbe.

Parsha Beshalach – The Ba’al Teshuvas Struggle

 In the Torah portion Beshalach, we read about the Jewish people finally leave Egypt after 210 years of slavery on the 49 day journey towards Mount Sinai.  The sages tell us the significance of the number 49 is that the people were on the 49^th level of impurity (50 is the lowest) and they needed to leave at that precise moment before they fell even further.  They also tell us that every day on their journey, they were able to raise themselves 1 level so that when they experienced the revelation of G-d on Mount Sinai, they were pure.

This was the first Ba’al Teshuva movement.

This helps to explain the trials and set backs that they had on their way.  Like most of us, it’s not a direct climb up the ladder.  It’s often two rungs up and one rung down.

One of the more telling moments was at the incident of the Red Sea.  The Jewish people had just left Egypt and were now trapped in between the Sea and the approaching Egyptian army.  They were scared and didn’t know what to do. 

The sages say that the people took 4 different approaches to the situation.

1. Return to Egyptian slavery
2. Fight the Egyptian army
3. Throw themselves into the sea to drown
4. Pray to G-d for an answer

These 4 methods can be applied to almost any situation that a Ba’al Teshuva faces. 

Let’s say that a client asks to meet us for lunch (our boss is pressuring us to go) and there are no kosher restaurants in the area.  What do we do?

1. Return to slavery – This could be compared to going to the non kosher restaurant.  Do we abandon our journey towards truth?
2. Fight – We could argue with our boss and the client for being so spiritually insensitive to put us in such a situation.
3. Drown – This could be compared to calling in sick that day, losing the client or quitting the job all together.
4. Pray – While we should always pray for clarity, there comes a time that prolonged prayer doesn’t help and we need to make a decision.

It seems to be that the true answer can be found in the 5^th approach that was taken on the shores of the sea.  One brave man, whose name was Nachshon ben Aminadav the prince of the tribe of Judah, started walking alone into the sea.  The Rabbis tell us that when the water reached his nostrils, the sea split.  He didn’t give up.  He didn’t complain.  He kept moving forward and trusted that G-d will present an answer. 

In our example, a comparison action might be to suggest meeting for coffee before hours or a beer after hours (Thank G-d that Starbucks coffee and almost all domestic beer is kosher) and trust that the meeting will end up even better then it would have if you would have went to lunch.  This strategy has helped me through my challenges from both external and internal.  The times that I've been asked to lunch, a Saturday or meeting over the high holidays are many.  The times that I've had my own spirtiual doubts are even more.  The key is to just keep moving forward and trust in G-d.

There’s one other major lesson we can learn from this situation.  Since the first mass Teshuva that we read about during the exodus from Egypt that ended with the open revelation of G-d and Mount Sinai, there has been no mass Teshuva movement until our time. 

Their Teshuva, while flawed and with it’s set backs, ended with bringing G-dliness into this world and the receiving of the Torah.

Our Teshuva, while flawed and with it’s set backs, will G-d willing, end with the brining the ultimate and final redemption with the coming of the righteous Moshiach may he come immediately.

Religious fanatics..​. When has one gone too far?

 I once heard that there's an easy way to tell when one has gone off the deep end and gone way too far in their religious observance... It's if they have one more stringency in Jewish law (called a chumra in Halacha) than I do.

The same is true to know when someone isn’t so religious... If they have one more leniency (called a kula in Halacha) than I do.

Isn't that how most of see things?  We know what we know and believe what we believe and judge everyone else accordingly.  If o hear that someone wakes up at 4:30am to start learning Torah, it sounds crazy to me.  It really does. When I tell someone that I typically get up at 5:00 am, to study Torah, it's normal to me, but it probably sounds crazy to them and it goes on and on.

This past Shabbas I listened to a d'var Torah from a Rabbi that I know, whom I also have a friendship and have what would be best described as a joking or playful relationship with often teasing each other about this or that.

When discussing one particular stringency (chumra) of a group of Chassidim, which he was not one of, stated that he believed their stringency had gone way too far.  He quoted R’Chaim of Volozhin, may the memory of the righteous be for a blessing, who said that the source of (these types of) stringencies were routed in the evil inclination (yeitzer harah.)

When he finished, I asked him “Do all chumras have their routes in the yeitzer harah or just the ones that he doesn’t have?” 

He had no answer.

This led me to think about when has one gone too far?  After all, should we adopt every possible stringency that we can or should we avoid them? 

It seems to me that this is a very subjective issue depending on the following factors:

1. Does the stringency bring you closer to G-d or drive you farther away? 

Many years ago, I was with a very close friend of mine who had starting reconnecting with his Judaism around the same time I had.  It was around the high holidays and he confessed to me that he was O.J.’d.  (over Jew’d.) He had simply reached a point where he was burnt out, mainly because of a custom he picked up in the community where he lived of saying certain lengthy verses every day.  He told me that it had gotten so bad, that he missed davening the afternoon prayer (Mincha) the day before.  I advised him the immediately stop with his new chumra and his custom was leading him in the absolute wrong direction.  Taking on additional service of G-d, beyond the letter of the law, should inspire us… if it doesn’t, one should seriously question why they’re doing it.  Fitting in with one’s community, while important, should not be put above our relationship with our creator.

2. What effect does this have on those around me?

Years ago, I used to daven at morning minyan that very often had exactly 10 men.  At the time, I was working on improving my concentration in prayer (davening).  The effect was that I would pray an exceptionally long Shemoneh Esrei.  The custom of this shul was that they would not start the repetition until every person was finished praying, so that there would be 10 men to answer Amen to each blessing in the repetition.  One particular day, while I was in the middle of my long davening, I overheard a situation where one of the men had to leave in the next 5 minutes.  I then witnessed one of the men tell the prayer leader (shilach tzibbur), who was his son, to start his repetition even though I was still davening so they could hear the repetition before the minyan broke up.  The son thought this was inappropriate and said no.  A slight argument broke out.  The son walked off the bimah and the father walked on to pray the repetition.  I felt horrible.  Praying with proper intention is a wonderful quality, but on this particular occasion, my desire to daven properly came at a very high price.  I never bothered to consider the effect this had on those around before that situation.  I continued to pray with that minyan for a long time, but I never extended my prayers past the rest of the group.  I focused more on quality rather then quantity with that group, or any other similar situation.  I’m not advocating that one not pray at length or with proper intention, G-d forbid.  I am saying that one should be conscious of those around them.  The effect that a chumra may have doesn’t just end with the congregation.  It can also have a significant affect our family.  Just like our chumra should bring us closer to G-d, it should also bring our family and those around us closer to G-d.  If our chumra is affecting them in a negative way, one should seriously consider whether the cost is worth it.

All of this being said, chumras are the spice of observance.  They’re the strength on our relationship with G-d.  There’s a beautiful idea in the Gemara Berachos, page 20 which states The Jewish People took upon themselves to recite Birkat HaMazon after eating even when they are not technically "full." They thus go beyond the letter of the law, and therefore they deserve to have Hashem treat them beyond the letter of the law.

We all must decide for ourselves what we should do in every particular situation.  When taking on any new chumra, I find it’s best to ask my Rebbe, my wife and pray to G-d for the proper answer. 

Parsha Shemos – Why are we still in exile?

In the Torah portion of Shemos we get introduced and get to see the development of Moses our teacher (Moshe Rabeinu.) 

One of his first interactions as an adult was to witness the harshness of the exile and how the Egyptians abuse his brethren.  The Torah tells us that as he was walking about the Jewish people he came upon and Egyptian man beating a Jew, whose name was Dathan, with lashes and screaming at him. 

This the moment where Moses took his first step towards leadership of the Jewish people. Moses killed the Egyptian man and saved the life of his fellow Jew.  He buried the body in the sand and left the scene.

The next day, Moses went out again and saw the man that he had saved, Dathan, fighting with another man named Abiram.  Moses was in shock.  He tried to stop them by asking, why would you fight with each other?  We’re enslaved by wicked non-Jews.  The beat us.  They abuse us.  They rape our wives.  They murder our children.  Why would you possibly fight among ourselves when we’re surrounded by such a powerful, evil enemy?

Instead of recognizing the truth in his words, the two men mocked Moses… You’re still a young man, what do you know?  Who made you ruler over us?  Are you going to kill us like you killed the Egyptian?  They even went to Pharaoh and informed him that Moses had killed an Egyptian.

The Middrash tells us that prior to this event, Moses was very troubled by why G-d had allowed the Jewish people to suffer such an exile.  He searched for an answer.  Witnessing these two Jews fight amongst themselves and how they reacted to him, he said to himself…. Now, I know why we’re in exile.

According to our tradition, this even happened roughly 3,500 years ago… and it was as true then as it is today.

The Jewish people are still a small people surrounded by enemies that hate us.  Israel is surrounded by 22 Arab states containing 400 million Arabs.  The world’s Muslim population is 1.6 billion.  While a portion of Arabs and Muslims are good and decent, there is sizable portion that would like nothing more to see every Jew dead or enslaved.  The United Nations consistently votes against Israel and ignores the atrocities of the Arab world.  Circumcision and ritual slaughter is under attack from San Francisco to Germany.  On a slightly lighter, but very telling note, watch Sasha Baron Cohen’s parody in an Arizona bar “Throw the Jew down the well” and see how many people in Middle America think about us.

We’re literally surrounded.  We’re under attack religiously.  We’re under attack in the global political world.  We’re under literal attack with rockets and suicide bombers…. And we still fight amongst ourselves.

The Talmud tells is that the destruction of the 2^nd Temple and Roman exile, which we’re still in today, was caused by the senseless hatred and fighting among Jews.

There is only one cure for the problems we face.  There is only cure for senseless hatred… unconditional love.  When the Jewish world as a whole, and us as individuals can recognize that we must not fight with a fellow Jew under any condition… when we must love our fellow Jew with all of our heart and soul… then and only then will we see an end to this long and bitter exile and peace in Israel and among all the Jewish people.   

How does one do Teshuva?

Teshuva, while typically translates repentance literally means return.  Teshuva is one of those words that most of us throw around easily.  We tell people and ourselves that they should so Teshuva. We refer to ourselves at Ba’al Teshuvas.  Around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur especially, we need to work on Teshuva.  That all sounds nice, but…

How does one do Teshuva?

The book Hayom Yom describes how the saintly Reb Meshulam Zusya of Aniponli dealt with Teshuva.  “He can not attain the heights of Teshuva; he therefore breaks down Teshuva to its components for each letter of the word Teshuva is the initial of a verse:

T: Tamim – “Be sincere with the Eternal your G-d” Devarim 18:13

Sh: Shviti – “I have set G-d before me always”  Tehillim 16:8

U: V’havta – “Love your fellow as yourself” Vayikra 19:18

V: B’chol – “In all your ways, know him.“ Mishlei 3:6

H: Hatznei’a – “Walk discreetly with your G-d.” Micha 6:8

The Rebbe Rashab of Lubavitch said that each letter is a path and a method in the avoda (labor) of Teshuva.

What did Reb Zusya mean that we should be sincere with G-d?

Before we can answer that question, we need to recall a famous story about Reb Zusya.  It’s told that when Reb Zusya was an old man, his students came into his room and found him frightened and crying.  He explained to them that he felt that his life was drawing to an end and his judgment was drawing closer.  He said, I’m not afraid that G-d will ask me Zusya, why weren’t you Abraham or why weren’t you Moses.  I’m don’t have their great potential.  I never had the abilities to accomplish what they accomplished.  I’m afraid that G-d will ask me, Zusya, why weren’t you Zusya?  Why didn’t you live up to your own potential?

This story gives a tremendous insight into how we’re judged.  According to Reb Zusya, we’re not judged according to what the Code of Jewish Law says we should do or what our Rabbi or friends say we should do, but only what we really could have done.  And we’re judged in a world of ultimate truth… no excuses.

Close to 10 years ago, I was sitting with a fairly new Ba’al Teshuva on Rosh Hashanah and I told him this story.  I then asked that if G-d would ask him if he prayed the entire morning service and the entire afternoon and evening services, what would he say to G-d.  He thought about it a minute and calmly said that he wasn’t at a place in his spiritual development to be able to do that.  I told him that according to Reb Zusya, he doesn’t have to worry.  I then asked him what would he say if G-d asked him if he could say the Shema every morning and every evening.  His face instantly became pale.  He literally started to stutter… and he said, I could do that.  I told him then that’s where he needs to work on.

Sincerity with G-d is eliminating all the excuses that we sometimes tell the world and often tell ourselves.  I like to use the analogy of an alarm clock.  My alarm is typically set for 5am.  There are times when it goes off and I’m so tired, I just can’t get out of bed.  I need that snooze.  There are other times where I wake up at 5:09am and don’t even remember hitting the snooze.  But, there are other times when I hit snooze and maybe I could have gotten out of bed if I would have pushed myself.  This is where sincerity comes in.

You can apply the same sincerity to every aspect of our lives.  There are times we need to relax… that we just can’t go to the class or minyan or whatever.  Maybe we turn on a baseball game to unwind.  In the world of complete sincerity, that’s fine.  The question is at what point are we relaxed enough to spend our time doing a mitzvah and at what point to we just want to keep watching the game?  Does it really go that far?  Where does it end?  If a Jew needs to take a break, and I mean really needs it… let’s say he just emotionally needs to take an hour break.  What’s the big deal if he takes and hour and 5 minute break?  After all, it’s only 5 minutes… such as small amount of time.  What difference can it possibly make?  Well… it’s enough time to give someone a smile… give a friend a hug… tell someone that you love them.  It’s enough time to learn just a little bit of Torah, but that little bit of Torah his G-ds infinite wisdom and therefore, even 5 minutes can be limitless if we use it correctly.

The answer and circumstances are different for every person and changed with every situation, but the first step in doing Teshuva is recognizing what we are and what we could be.

… would you be happy?

As my usually custom, this past Saturday night, I traveled to my old shul to for a midnight fabrengin (Chassidic gathering) and to say the first selichot service.  The fabrengin was typical… some food, friends and a little vodka.  I was enjoying myself when my Rebbe said something that literally stopped me in my tracks...

If G-d answered your prayers… would you be happy?

Like most of us, I add personal requests into my daily prayers.  I ask for health for friends and family that need it, Parnassa (the ability to earn a living), among many other desires.  I never stopped to think about how I would feel if G-d gave me what I was asking for.  For years I’ve experiences off and on back pain.  As I was sitting there, I felt a dull pain in my right leg.  I certainly want it to go away and would be happy if it wasn’t there, but the truth is that there are plenty of days that it’s not there and I don’t know if I’m any really happier on those days.  The same thing can be said when things are going well at work.  Would we be momentarily happy if our prayers were answered, yes.  Would it be a permenant happiness with that particular area, no.  Chances are the momenatry happiness would fade onto the back drop of our every day lives.  If one is unemployed, he may be very happy when he gets a job, but after a while, that intitial happiness will most likely fade.

I guess that it’s human nature to take the positive things we have for granted and only really focus on the negative things.  Thank G-d, I have 3 healthy, active kids under the age of 6.  When I get home from work, my wife and I usually discuss how the kids were that day.  If they were particularly challenging, she’ll tell me how hard it was and we’ll express our concern and frustration.  If there weren’t any problems, she’ll tell me that they were OK and we’ll move on to the next topic.  Can you imagine how different our lives would be if we focused on the positives instead of the negatives?  If on the days where there were no major incidents, we would cry how to G-d, thanking him for making things go so well…

There’s a famous story about the Ba’al Shemtov walked into a study hall of a town that he was visiting.  He noticed a Jew immersed in studying Talmud.  The Ba’al Shemtov approached and asked him how he was, but the Jew waived him off.  He asked him again, but again the Jews waived him off.  Finally the Ba’al Shemtov got right in the Jew’s face and asked “Why are you not giving G-d his parnassa?”  Typically when one Jew will ask another how he’s doing, the Jew will respond “Thank G-d” or “Baruch Hashem.”  The Ba’al Shemtov taught us that this simple blessing of any Jew is G-d’s parnassa.  This is how we connect to us and when we miss opportunity to say “Thank G-d” we are both denying ourselves and denying G-d this connection.  Chassidus explains that G-d’s purpose of creation was to create a dwelling place in the lower worlds, but we have to do our part to make that happen.

If we don’t call out to G-d with proper kavana (intention) when things are going well, then if G-d wants our kavana, he may send us little problems so that we do call out to him and, in a sense, give him his parnassa.  There’s an old saying that there are “no atheists in foxholes.”   When a soldier is pinned down with his enemies shooting at him, he tends to change from atheist to believer real quick.  Maybe if he would have been a believer before he got there, he could have avoided the whole experience in the first place.

If we can train ourselves, to thank G-d for all the good that he does for us with the same power that we would if we were going through troubles, then we would be allowing G-d in our lives and possibly eliminate the need for him to give us troubles in the first place.  We’ll get our parnassa by giving him his parnassa.  If we truly appreciate all that he does for us on a regular basis, then not only would we be happy, we would, in a sense, make G-d happy.

Going from Geula to Gallus… what do I do now?

This past Shabbas I had the pleasure of hosting a friend of mine for Shabbas who just got back from a few months of learning in Israel.  I had met this person when I helped lead a kiruv trip to Israel a little over a year ago.  This friend, let’s call him Bill, was inspired when we were on the trip together and started going to classes in the U.S.  When his semester ended he returned to the holy land to spend sometime learning and having fun.

We talked a lot over Shabbas about his experiences over the past couple months.  As we got to the topic of his future plans, he was returning to his last year in college, but religiously, it was a little more uncertain.

Bill was keeping the Shabbas for the most part and taking steps toward the observance of Kosher and other laws, but has a new Ba’al Teshuva, he’s still on shaky ground in terms of maintaining his new found inspiration.

When someone first gets inspired and feels the excitement of developing their relationship with their creator, it’s an unbelievable opportunity for positive growth and change.  Unfortunately though, that intense inspiration and enthusiasm doesn’t last forever and if they don’t come up with concrete ways to keep their spiritual momentum going, they may backslide.

There are a ton of different variations and choices that one can make when their in this position, but for simplicity sake, I’m going to boil them down to three separate categories.

The BT High – After the initial inspiration, a person going through this may tend to take on every mitzvah, custom and stringency that they can learn about.  They’re waking up early to daven, their going to bed late.  There’s hardly a class around that they’re not going to.  While this can lead someone to unbelievable spiritual heights, it can also lead to burnout and disaster.  I’ve seen several cases of someone growing a long beard and wearing a gartel within months of their initial inspiration only to see everything, and I mean everything disappeared for a year.  Just like in physical health, attempting to run a marathon on the first day one starts exercising could be suicide.  The same goes spiritually.  A strong house can only be built on a steady foundation.

My Old Life – The opposite extreme of the BT High is when someone resumes their old life as it was before their inspiration… same friends, same places, same hobbies, etc.  Sure, maybe they stay home Friday nights or order different things at the restaurant, but everything else is basically the same.  Someone may light an intense fire, but unless they keep putting new fuel on the flames, the fire will eventually disappear. 

Steady Steps – Our great Rabbi, Rambam (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon) tells us that in almost all cases, the middle path is the best.  The first thing someone needs to do when they get back from Israel or pass the point of initial inspiration is pick something that they can do every day to keep their fire going.  It could be going to minyan.  It could be putting on tefillan at home.  It could be going to a class or learning by yourself.  Pick something that appeals and inspires you.  It doesn’t matter what, but the important thing is that it should be consistent and something that can be done every day no matter what. 

Eventually, the initial excitement of doing this mitzvah may wear off, but as one keeps doing it day in and day out, the connection it creates with G-d becomes stronger and stronger.  As your relationship grows, it takes on a new level of love and closeness.  It’s not that different from marriage.  When newlyweds are young and vibrant, they should have a tremendous physical attraction to each other.  As a marriage grows, that initial attraction may not be exactly the same, but the emotional attraction from going through so much together becomes so much more powerful then the physical attraction ever was.

We have so many resources and possibilities for people when the decide to go learn in Israel, but when it comes to having support systems for when they get back, the Jewish world seems a little bit lacking. 

Stay strong, stay inspired and stay involved.  As you keep moving closer to Hashem, by performing is mitzvahs, he’ll draw closer and closer to you.

Parsha Shoftim – The King is in the Field

In the Hebrew month of Elul, Chassidim have the custom of saying that “the King is in the Field.”  As the analogy goes, when wants to have a meeting with the King, they need to call the right people and go through background checks and a series of his subordinates before the King’s officials will even consider letting the person see the King.  However, once a year, the King leaves his palace and takes a tour of his kingdom.  As he’s going from town to town and field to field anyone can approach the king with any matter without going through all of the preparation and protocols as the rest of the year.

Normally, when we want to pray to G-d, we also need to go through a whole procedure.  We need to spiritually prepare ourselves, dress appropriately, go to the minyan on time, say all of the prayers, pronounce all the words correctly, enunciate them loud enough so we can hear ourselves, have the proper intention… the list goes on and on.  It’s no easy task.  In Elul, things are different.  G-d is somehow more accessible to us. 

There are two ways to look at this… 

One way is do what we’ve done all year.  After all, if G-d will hear our prayers without jumping through all the hoops, why jump through them?  We can just do our normal routine, which isn’t always so great, and G-d will hear us.  The main focus with this approach is to make sure that we’re praying to G-d sincerely.  In Elul, as long as we pray with proper intention, G-d will hear our prayers.  That being said, calling out to G-d sincerely is no so easy.

The second possibility is that if G-d is in the field and somehow closer to us, we need to step up our game.  When the boss is away, decent workers will work at a reasonable level, but when the boss is in the room, the worker steps up his game big time.  As we said before, there are a lot of rules that surround how to pray and conduct oneself properly as a Jew.  Using this approach, we should try to strengthen all aspects of our Judaism, particularly the ones surrounding prayer.

I’m going to focus on the second possibility.  Here’s where our parsha comes.  It starts out with the words Shofitm vshotrim teten l’cha (Judges and officers shall you appoint.)  The Middrash has many explanations for what this means.  As a preparation for Rosh Hashanah, it’s also been said about Elul that it’s the opportune time to take a spiritual accounting of one’s conduct over the past year and make resolutions for improvement next year.  The initial words of our parsha could mean that we’re to judge ourselves on our conduct and appoint officers or methods of guarding ourselves against any of last year’s pitfalls in the hopes of avoiding them in the future.  While this is a nice idea it can be both difficult and scary.  I may be an observant person, but I’m no tzadik.  I’ve made plenty of mistakes and even though I know that I can do better, I’m not sure if it’s good enough.  My yeitzer harah (evil inclination) is one tough cookie.

Chapter 20, verse 1 tells us that “When you go out to battle against your enemy… you shall not fear…”  It then tells us in verse 8 that on the battlefield, the priests announce “who is fearful and fainthearted?  Let him go return to his house…”  The verses seem to say that on one hand, G-d is commanding us not to be afraid.  On the other hand he’s giving us a way out if we are.  I would propose an alternative explanation that “the enemy” that the verse speaks of us is our own evil inclination.  Also, when the Torah says “return” to his house, the Hebrew word that is used is  V’Yashov which has the same root as teshuva.  

If we insert these explanations the verses can be read: When you go out to battle against your evil inclination, don’t be afraid.  But… if anyone is fearful, let him do teshuva and return to my house.

In the last lines of the HafTorah, Isaiah sums it up beautifully “Hashem shall go before you and the G-d of Israel shall be at your rear guard.”

It doesn’t matter so much how we strengthen our relationship with Hashem.  He’s with us when we’re strong.  He’s with us when we’re scared.  He’s with us when we pull it all together and do a good job serving him.  He’s even with us when we screw up.  Our job is to recognize that he’s with us every step of the way. 

A Mitzvah Can Change a Life

Sometime around 1980 or so there was Jew who worked in a financial company around Washington DC.  Let’s say his name was Naphtali.  He was Ba’al Teshuva through Chabad and through his work he befriended a non religious Jew.  Occasionally, Naphtali and his new friend got together at the park where his son Gedaliah played with his friend son Stephan.  Though he occasionally talked about Judaism to his friend, nothing really sank in with exception of one occasion. 

Naphtali remembers that one day, the day after Yom Kippur that year, something was different when his friend arrived to work.  His friend was wearing a kippah.  Naphtali’s friend wore it all day.  Wearing a kippah in public, for the first time, is truly one of the bravest things a Jew can ever do.  Unfortunately, this was the last time his friend wore a kippah to work and he remained uncommitted to Judaism.  Eventually, the friends got different jobs, moving to different cities.  Naphtali undoubtedly thought that his conversations about G-d and Judaism had no effect on his friend.

In 2004 or so I was a regular at an urban shul where wasn’t uncommon for non-religious Jews to start coming to try to explore their Judaism.  Some came every day.  Some came once and never again.  One day, a Jew walked in who looked and acted like he couldn’t be less religious.  He drove a taxi, went to community college and had no shortage of tattoos including the heart, spade, diamond & clover tattooed on his knuckles.  We were about the same age and became friends.  Simcha explained that he had been raised totally secular and neither he nor his family had any connection to Judaism.  As he grew older, he had a burning curiosity which inspired him to come to shul for the first time.  This guy started coming every Shabbas morning, but had to leave in the afternoon to go to class.  Eventually the semester ended, he started becoming more observant and even started going by his Hebrew name, Simcha.

It wasn’t that long after, the Simcha decided that he wanted to move to Israel to learn.  Those of us closest to him were very proud of his progress.  I remember the Shabbas before he was scheduled to leave.  Since he lived in a different part of the city, he would typically sleep over at the Rabbi’s house or sometimes at my house.  On the Shabbas before he left, the Rabbi was out of town and I already had guests.  I made some calls and the Chabad Rabbi in the a couple neighborhoods away agreed to host him.  He explained to me that his parents were staying with him as it was their last Shabbas in America and they were moving to Israel that week.  I thought that it was a great connection.  Now Simcha will at least know someone there.

The Shabbas was fairly normal until I arrived at Shul for Mincha on Shabbas afternoon.  Apparently at lunch at the Rabbi’s house, Simcha and the Rabbi’s father, Naphtali started talking.  They first realized that both Simcha and the Rabbi, Gedaliah were born in the same city.  Then they realized that Simcha’s father and Naphtali worked at the same company.  They then realized that it was Simcha’s father who was Naphtali’s old friend and Gedaliah and Simcha, called Stephan up until a year ago, had played together in the park has children.  I can only imagine the emotions when Naphtali told Simcha the story about his father wearing a kippah and that Simcha’s father, in fact, did have sparks of Judaism lying dormant within him.  I can only imagine how Naphtali must have felt that his efforts in trying to help his old friend were not in vein… it just took a generation before they sprouted forth.  As they told me this story before Mincha, still fresh in their memories, it was overwhelming. 

It was about a year later that I received an email from an address I didn’t recognize with the subject line reading “I’m engaged.”  I opened up the email and saw a frum looking couple that I didn’t recognize.  I assumed it was sent to me by accident, but just before I deleted it, I looked over it once last time.  I saw a man in a black suit, white shirt, black hat and a full untrimmed beard.  As I glanced down, I saw the man’s hand… and on his knuckles were tattoos of the heart, spade, diamond & clover.  It was my friend whose yiddeshkeit burned so brightly that I hardly recognized him. 

The lessons are clear.  Every single mitzvah or act of kindness has an affect that can change a life.  Most the time we don’t get the privileged of seeing the results of our actions, but once in a while, G-d gives us a glimpse.

Parsha Chukas – Aaron HaKohein… Perfect Hero or Failed Leader?

Among many of the incidents in the Torah portion of Chukas we read about the death of Moses’s brother Aaron. 

There are few characters in Chumash who present us with such as dichotomy as Aaron.  On one hand, he was so great that the entire Jewish people wept and mourned him for 30 days.  On the other hand, he had a role in the greatest sin in the history of the Jewish people, the golden calf.  Several months ago, I witnessed a conversation between two friends of mine about Aaron.  One referred to him as a failed leader.  The other took the opposite extreme and denied that he had any participation in the incident in the golden calf at all.  This leads to the question, who was Aaron?

Let’s go over what happened in the Torah portion of Ki Sisa.  Chapter 32, Verses 1-5: The people saw that Moses delayed in descending the mountain and the people gathered around Aaron and said to him “Rise up, make for us g-ds who will go before us, for this Moses, the man who brought us up from Egypt – we do not know what became of him!”  Aaron said to them, “Remove the golden rings that are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters and bring them to me.”  The entire people unburdened themselves of the golden rings that were in their ears and brought them to Aaron.  He took it from their hands and he bound it in a scarf, and made it into a molten calf; then they said, “These are your g-ds” O Israel, who brought you up from the land of Egypt.”  Aaron saw and built an alter before him; Aaron called out and said, “A festival to Hashem tomorrow!”

There are several classical answers given as to why Aaron did what he did.  Here are some:

1. Aaron tried to delay the people by telling them to get jewelry from their wives.  He knew that Moses would be back the next day.
2. In the exact language of the verse, he never pronounced the golden calf to be a G-d.  He stated that G-d took them out of Egypt and there will be a festival to G-d tomorrow.
3. The Midrash tells is that Hur, the son of Miriam and Caleb stood up to the people when they first demanded that the golden calf be made and the people killed him. Aaron didn’t want the Jewish people to kill him.

All of these provide some sort of explanation, but they still seem to leave us lacking in the true understanding of Aaron.

The one thing that everyone agrees on is that Aaron never waivered in his belief in Hashem.  If that’s the case, then maybe Aaron was afraid he’d be killed and that’s why he participated in the making of the golden calf.  This also can not be the case.  When G-d tells Moses that he’s going to die, Moses begs and pleads for more time.  When Aaron finds out that he’s going to die, he doesn’t complain at all.  He clearly wasn’t afraid of death.  If he wasn’t afraid of dying, why did he do it?

In the Torah portion of Korach, a plague fell upon the Jewish people when Aaron’s leadership was questioned my a minority of men.  G-d was so outraged that the people stood by while this happened, he started killing them.  The plague was only stopped by the actions of Aaron.  Aaron was a prophet.  He understood that if this was going to happen when the Jewish people questioned him, if they would have killed him, there would have been no way that G-d would have forgiven them.  They all would have been wiped out. 

Coincidentally I heard in a lecture today, that it’s better for to sin for the sake of heaven then to do a mitzvah not for the sake of heaven. (Nazir 23b)  Even though the lecture didn’t have anything to do with Aaron, I couldn’t help to think that this was very fitting.

I offer two other proofs.  The first is that it wasn’t until after the incident with the golden calf that Aaron was given the job as high priest.  The second is found in this week’s parsha.  One would expect that the reason for Aaron’s death would have been a delayed reaction to the golden calf.  In actuality, the Torah says clearly it was because that “you (Moses) defied my word at the waters of strife.”

By acquiescing to participate in the building of the golden calf, Aaron was willing to risk his life in both this world and the next in order to save the Jewish people.  Can there be a greater act of leadership?

Parsha Korach – Strong Wife / Weak Wife

The Torah portion of Korach centers around two women that we never officially meet, doesn’t mention directly and never even get to know their names.

The text of the portion tell us how Korach, the cousin of Moses, assembles a group of 250 or so leaders of the Jewish people and strongly questions the leadership of Moses and even more precisely, questions the role of Aaron as high priest.  Obviously, Hashem sided with Moses and Aaron and Korach and his followers were destroyed.

One of the questions that the Midrash deals with is what inspired Korach to mount this open act of rebellion.  After all, Korach was a leader among the Jewish people.  As a Levite, he did not waiver at the sin of the Golden Calf or the incident with the spies.  Why now?  There are many reasons given, but there’s one that I found particularly interesting.

Several weeks ago in the Torah portion of Beha’aloscha, it tells us that Hashem commanded Moses and Aaron to put all of the Levite men through a purification ritual.  The shaved the hair off their entire bodies, immersed their clothing, Moses leaned is hands upon their heads and then Aaron picked each one up and waved them around as a wave offering.

After this incident, the Midrash tells us that Korach was walking home, bald, no eyebrows, wet clothes and after being picked up and waved around by his cousin Aaron when he saw is wife.  She saw the humiliation of her husband and fed and nurtured the seeds of strife within him.  With his wife egging him on, any inhibitions about his plan were removed and it emotionally freed him up to commit open rebellion against Moses.

In the beginning of the parsha, the Torah tells us who the leaders of the rebellion were.  Korach is listed first, followed by Dathan and Abiram.  We know Dathan and Abiram from when the Jews were still in Egypt.  They were the two Jews fighting with each other which eventually led to Moses leaving Egypt after they told the Egyptian authorities that Moses has murdered an Egyptian guard.  The Torah mentions one more leader.  His name is On the son of Peleth.  Later on the portion, when the Torah tells us about the rebellion and the punishments given to the perpetrators, On is missing.  The Midrash asks the question, what happened to On?

It answers by telling us that On was married to a righteous woman.  When she heard what he and his friends were doing, she wanted no part in it for her and her husband.  She tried to talk to On to convince him that he was going down the wrong path, but he wouldn’t listen.  Not giving up, she seduced her husband and got him drunk.  After he was drunk, she put him to bed where he passed out.  (I once read that she actually tied him to the bed) so he would miss the rebellion.  When Korach’s followers saw that On had overslept, they went to get him.  Still protecting her husband, she sat at the entrance of her tent and uncovered her hair.  (This by the way, is one of the first evidence that we know that married Jewish women should keep their hair covered).  Even though the men were following the wrong path by rebelling against Moses, they were still G-d fearing men and wouldn’t dare look at a married woman whose hair was uncovered so the left and On slept through the whole thing.

On and his wife are never mentioned again, but she goes down in history as a role model for all Jewish wives.  In the Torah portion of Bereishes, G-d makes Chava as a help mate against Adam.  What does this mean?  Either the wife is a help mate or she’s against her husband.  How can she be both?  The answer is that when her husband is acting properly, the wife is a help mate.  When acting improperly, she’s against her husband.  On’s wife fulfills this commandment beautifully.  With righteousness and modesty, she put’s her own humility on the line to protect her husband.  Korach’s wife, on the other hand, is so her concerned about her husbands dignity and her own, that she sacrifices their values for it.  This is why she suffered the same death as her husband.

Many times we thing that marriage should be peaceful and there should be no fights ever.  Sometimes we think that our wives should be docile and subordinate, but this is not the Torah way.  Our wives should be strong and forceful for the sake of the keeping the family together and fulfilling the words of the Torah and its mitzvahs.

If you think about it, most of the world’s calamites have been caused by an arrogant husband and a wife to weak to stand up against him.

A wife of strength, modesty, self sacrifice and persistence is the true Eshet Chayil (Woman of Valor) may G-d let all men have such wives and may we have the strength and humility to listen to them when they guide us towards the proper path of service of Hashem.