The Scarecrow and the Tinman

In this past weeks Jewish Press there was an excellent article by Carl Guzman about the importance of saying “Good Shabbas” which was taught to him by his late father.

When I first started becoming observant, I was living in center city Philadelphia.  I lived about a mile or so from the closest orthodox synagogue.  On my long walks to shul on Shabbas, I hardly ever ran into another Sabbath observer.  There just weren’t that many religious Jews in the city at the time.  When I did spot someone, whether it was a friend or a out of town visitor, I was excited.  I gave them a big smile and a nice “Good Shabbas” and usually got the same in return.

As I started exploring other communities, I came to a realization, the larger community and the more frum from birth (FFB) people there, the smaller the chance of getting a “Good Shabbas” greeting in return.  And even if you got one, it typically didn’t have much feeling behind it.  If you travel to places packed with observant Jews like Israel or Brooklyn, it’s almost a guarantee to be ignored.  The exact opposite was true in smaller and more Baal Teshuvah dominated communities.  I always found this strange, but never thought that much about it.

About 3 years ago, my family and I went to the Philadelphia Zoo with some friends over Chol HaMoed Pesach.  I’m not sure if the Zoo officials knew it in advance, but it was clearly Jew at the Zoo day.  There were frummies every where.  Typically when there was a frum out of town visitor to Philly, they would always be happy to return a d Good Shabbas or a Gut Moed.  I guess that was because there weren’t so many Jews around.  In their same neighborhood, they may have been less friendly, but when they were on the road, they’d turn the smiles on.

As my friend and I walked around, we would say Gut Moed, or Chag Sameach to the Jews that we passed and most gave us a blank look or a very under their breath return greeting.  After a several rejections, I started to not say anything.  After sometime, I started reconsidering.  Is not greeting a fellow Jew the proper thing to do? 

Ethics of Our Fathers teaches us that it’s commendable to greet everyone warmly.  When it comes to Shabbas, saying “Good Shabbas” isn’t just a nice greeting.  It’s remembering the Shabbas which is not only a Torah commandment, it’s laid out as part of the 10 statements in the Torah portion, Yisro, Zachar es yom HaShabbas. (Remember the Sabbath Day.)  Should we blindly walk through our Judaism and not engage our fellow man with love and affection?

Among, FFB circles, Baal Teshuvas are often stereo typed as not being knowledgeable enough about the Torah, but passionately following what we don’t understand… bumbling around like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  There is probably some truth to every stereo type, but if BT’s are the scarecrow, then FFBs could be characterized as the Tinman whose knowledge is sound, but whose heart and emotions aren’t always behind their actions.  BTs should continuously try to learn to our knowledge catches up with our desire to cleave the G-d, but we should all be inspired enough to desire G-d even when things supersede our level of understanding.

After thinking this through, to my wife’s embarrassment, I started to give even more direct “Chag Sameachs” or “Gut Yuntufs” to my frum looking out of town guests.  While most gave be cold return greetings, some started to warm up.  As we loaded the kids into the car, I saw a very frum looking couple unload a few spaces down in the parking lot.  I gave him by biggest “Gut Yuntuf” yet.  He turned to me, gave me a huge smile and gave me and even bigger one back.  We spoke for a few minutes before I got into by car.  My wife said something like, are you happy that a frum person gave you such a greeting.  I replied that I was pretty sure that he wasn’t a Baal Teshuva, but to give a greeting like that, he must have been Lubavitch.

Parsha Terumah – Too many details…

As I was reading the Torah portion of Terumah this year, a thought occurred to me…

Too many details… There are many places where the Torah leaves out a lot of the background story and allows the Talmud and the Middrash to fill in the blanks. Tefillan are a great example. All the Torah tells us is that we should wear them. The oral tradition tells us what they are. In Terumah, it seems to give a lot of details that aren’t so inspiring or interesting. If I would have been on the Torah writing committee, I would have probably opted to spend more time with Abraham, Isaac & Jacob and less time on the exact details of the Tabernacle.

The parsha give us a plethora of details about the construction of the following the Ark, Table, Menorah & Tabernacle. This might have been very important for them to know how to build, but what relevance does it have to us? Let’s give a brief overview in no particular order…

1. Aron (Ark) as in "Raiders of the Lost…" This is where the 10 commandments and the Torah were kept.
2. Shulchan (Table). This is wear the showbreads were placed.
3. Menorah (Menorah?)  The Menorah is the Menorah.  There is a difference between the Menorah in the Temple and the one we use on Chanuhah.  The Menorah in the Temple had 6 branches plus the Shamash making a total of 7 where the ones we use today have 8 branches plus the Shamash making a total of 9.
4. Mizbe'ach (Alter) The Alter is the place where the Kohanim (Preists) offered sacrifices.
5. Mishkan (Tabernacle). The Mishkan was the early portable version of the Beis Ha Mikdash (Holy Temple.) It was used until King Soloman built the first Temple in Jerusalem. That lasted about 400 years until it was destroyed by the Babylonians. The second Temple was built 70 or so years later by Ezra and rebuild by Herod the Great. That also lasted about 400 years until it was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. When the Moshiach (Messiah) comes, we will have a Third and final Temple.

One of the many questions that’s asked about the 3rd Temple is how is it going to happen? Since it will exist at the site of the Temple Mount where the Dome of the Rock currently resided, how will the transition take place?

Do we have to take over the Temple Mount, knock down what’s there and build the Temple?

Will our cousins be so inspired by the truth of the Moshiach that they will voluntarily take down the Dome of the Rock.

Where will we get the supplies from the build it?

Where will we get the expertise to build it?

There seem to be a ton of questions about the details of how this will work.

The great Torah commentator, Rashi, gives us a clue on how to understand this in his commentary to chapter 25, verse 31. After all the details of how the Menorah should be built were given, Rashi says that Moses was still confused about how to build it. So G-d told him to throw a kikar of fold into the fire and G-d formed the Menorah himself.

One of my favorite answers to how the 3rd Temple will be come about is that G-d will build it in heaven and place it on the Temple Mount himself. The key for us is to try not to get too overwhelmed with the details. If we do what we’re supposed to do, learn Torah and perform G-d’s commandments, he’ll take care of the details.

The Inter Marriage Wedding Invitation

Nothing can send the cause more friction than a wedding invitation from a close friend or family member who’s marrying a non Jew.

The percentage of Jews marrying non Jews is probably the worst that it’s ever been in our history.  In America, the statistics are well over 50%.  If you take out orthodox Jews from the equation, it probably reaches over 80%.  There are very few families who have not seen inter marriage.  Even if one’s immediately family happen to all marry Jews, it’s an almost guarantee that our cousins wont be so fortunate.

This topic was much harder for me to write about then others.  Thankfully, my brothers and I all married Jews, so it wasn’t a personal issue that made it so difficult.  Since it’s a newer problem, there is very little written about the subject in the usual sources for Jewish law (Talmud, Mishnah Torah, Shulchen Aruch, Mishnah Berura, etc.)

Before we go too far into what one should or should not do, I’d like to define several different cases. 

1. Jewish friend or relative marrying a non Jew – This is clearly the most common situation out there.  In the same category is a non Jewish friend or relative marrying a Jew.  While less common, this is still a real life situation.  Before I became religious, one of my roommates and best friends was a Non Jew.  He married a Jewish girl.  While these wedding invitations can cause a lot of stress, it appears to be a prohibition to attend the wedding ceremony or reception.  Attending a inter marriage wedding would be a prohibition of Chillul Hashem or desecration of G-ds name.  The source comes from Leviticus (Vayikra) chapter 22, verse 32.   
2. Jewish friend or relative marrying a non Jew who went through a non-orthodox conversion. -  This is a little different then case 1 and 2.  When marrying a non Jew, most Jews no that this is a violation of Jewish law and do it anyway.  When marrying a non-orthodox convert, the Jew may not know they’re doing anything wrong according to Jewish law.  Needless to say, an orthodox convert is treated as a natural born Jew in every regard.  In fact, we have to be more sensitive to their background.  One should never verbalize a doubt as to the sincerity of an orthodox convert.  While traditional Judaism doesn’t recognize the validity of the conversion, there may be some room here to attend the wedding since the participants are not knowingly transgressing the word of G-d.
3. Marriage between two non Jews – Since it’s a mitzvah for non Jews to marry each other, there is no problem in attending their wedding as long as the celebration doesn’t take place somewhere where there are statues or paintings of things that they consider divine.  In simpler English, stay out of catholic churches.  Mosques and quaker meeting houses are probably OK since they don’t create any physical symbols of G-d.

It’s not a case, but it seems like a good point to talk about inter racial marriage.  In Judaism, a Jew is a Jew.  According to Jewish law, there is no difference between Jews of different skin colors.  That being said, there is no room for racism against fellow Jews within Judaism.  In fact, discrimination against any fellow Jew would be a violation of the Torah commandment to love your fellow Jew like yourself.

One may have a hard time finding a way to express their disapproval without destroying the relationship. This is a very slippery slope.  The Talmud tells us that we are required to rebuke someone when they’re doing something against Jewish law if we believe that they will listen to us and change their actions.  However… and this is just as important… it also tells us that it is as equally important to NOT rebuke someone if we don’t believe that they will listen to us and change their actions.  You can express their disapproval briefly or simply by not attending.  If you don’t believe that your rebuke will result in them calling off the engagement, its best not to make your expression of disapproval any longer then it has to be.

Now that we’ve discussed what you can’t do, let’s talk about what you can do.

You can spend time with your friend or relative and tell them while you’re not happy with their choice to marry a non Jew, you love and care for them very much.

You can visit them before the wedding and tell them how much you love them.

You can visit them after the wedding, as long as your visit as no connection to the wedding itself.  For example, if the wedding was on a Saturday night and they were having lunch for the wedding party on Sunday, it would probably be best not to attend the Sunday lunch.  It would be OK to visit Sunday night and spend time with them.

While we can’t celebrate with them, we can and should still treat them as our friends and loved ones.  If the Jew is a woman, their children will be Jewish, which means all the more reason to keep a strong loving relationship.

The key to navigating through this is the same as most areas in life.  If your relationship with the person is on solid footing and built on a respect of the choices that each of us make, it will survive.  It’s our job to nurture those relationships so they can get through challenges no matter what they are.

 

Parsha Mishpatim – I get by with a little help from my friends

Several years ago I was visiting a community for Shabbas.  It happened to be a Shalom Zachor (Friday night gathering after the birth of a baby boy) that Shabbas and my host and I went.  It was pretty late at night.  All of the Rabbis and older people had left and only the younger crowd remained. 

I was called upon to say some words of Torah when I explained the concept of a city of refuge.  The Torah alludes to it in Parsha Mishpatim and spells it out in several occasions.  When a man accidentally murders his fellow, he can escape punishment by going to certain cities inhabited by members of the tribe of Levi where he can safely spend the rest of his days. 

What’s interesting about the city of refuge is that it is the exact opposite of our penal system.  In modern day countries criminals are housed with other criminals.  First time offenders are often housed with violent inmates and they learn how to become better criminals and exit prison, often, worse then when they arrived.

In the Torah system, these offenders are sent to cities inhabited by the Levites, our holiest tribe.  Presumably they follow the excellent example of their new friends & neighbors and improve themselves why their there. 

As I concluded the Dvar Torah, I remarked that it was very comforting to be in the company of my new friends and I was hoping that their influence would elevate me.  When I finished, the guy to my left said that there were other people to be friends with in the cities of refuge besides just the Levites.  When I asked who, he responded, the other accidental murderers implying that my present company did not see themselves as so holy.

It was a cute statement, but it brings up an interesting question… who do we choose to be our friends and what impact do they have on our life?

Ethics of our fathers warns us to distance ourselves from a bad neighbor and cautions us not to become friends with a wicked person.  I would imagine that most of us wouldn’t define our friends as wicked, but we also generally don’t think about what impact our friends are having on us.  Ideally, we should think about who we choose to spend time with and why.

Ideally, surrounding us with positive and avoiding negative role models is something we can all do.  This isn’t to say that we should break off relationships that we have with people just because they aren’t perfect.  However, if someone is influencing us negatively, we should minimize the amount of time we spend with them and try to avoid areas where they’re bringing us down.  We should also think about the people we spend time with and what qualities they do have.  I venture to say that we can find traits that we’d like to emulate in the people we’re closest with.  We should also think about the areas that we want to improve in our own lives and spend time with role models.

The more we do that, the less we’ll have to rely upon the cities of refuge.

Parsha Yisro - Is Judaism Sexist?

Since before the women's lib movement, people have been asking if traditional Judaism considers one sex on a higher spiritual level than the other. We’ll explore the facts and myths to finally answer the question… Is Judaism Sexist?

It’s not hard to see why someone may think that traditional Judaism could be sexist. After all, women don’t…wear Tefillan, wear a tallis or tzitzit, count when forming a minyan. The list goes on and on…
 Lead the Grace after meals
 Become Rabbis
 Become a Cantor or Chazzan
 Wear a kippah or Yarmulke

Before we get too caught up in why women don’t do these things, let’s explore the reason why men do these things.

The commandment of Tefillan was given with the rest of the Torah after Moses spent 2 sets of 40 days on Mount Sinai. He spent 2 sets of days there, because he was begging for forgiveness of the Jewish people after the Jewish people made the golden calf. The true story is that not every Jew participated in the making and worshiped the golden calf. In fact, one of the sexes did not participate at all in the golden calf. One to take a guess which sex was totally innocent? If you guessed, women, you are correct.

We were commanded to wear tzitzit on the corners of our garment in the Torah portion Shelach after someone was caught gathering sticks on Shabbas. This was a crime punishable by death. The Rabbis tell us that Moses pleaded on behalf of the sinner using the argument that, since we don’t wear our tefillan on Shabbas, the sinner didn’t have a reminder that he shouldn’t sin. What sex was the sinner??? A man.

We derive what a minyan is from the incident of the spies in the Torah portion, Shelach. The Torah tells us that Moses sent a group of 12 representatives to spy out the land of Israel before they entered it. Out of the 12, 10 of them came back with an evil report and slandered the land of Israel describing how strong it’s inhabitants are and that the we wouldn’t be able to overcome them. They convinced a portion of the people and complained to Moses that they didn’t want to enter the land. This started the 40 years of wondering in the desert. The 10 evil spies were described as a congregation and this is a source that we need 10 people for a minyan. Just like the incident with the golden calf, all of the evil spies and their followers were men. In regards to prayer, one may ask why we need to pray with a minyan at all. Shouldn’t our sincere prayers count? The answer is that, sincere prayers do count. The Rabbis tell us that because of our sins, the gates of heaven are closed to prayer except for those who pray sincerely or for those that pray with a minyan. The fact that women are not counted in a minyan, what does it tell you about the sincerity of their prayer?

In the Torah portion of Yisro, G-d commands Moses to give the teach the commandments of the Torah to “to the house of Jacob and relate to the Children of Israel.” The great Torah commentator Rashi explains this, seemingly, repetitive statement. He tells us that the House of Jacob was referring to the women and the Children of Israel was referring to the men. The Midrash Rabbah explains that when G-d gave the first commandment to Adam first and then to Eve, they transgressed and the world was almost ruined. To rectify that, G-d gave the Torah to the women first and then the men. It also explains that the Torah was given to the women first because they are prompt in fulfilling commandments. Men were given certain specific commandments because they needed special methods to perform G-d’s will.
After looking at several of the commandments and the reason for them, I think that it’s safe to say that the Torah does consider one of the sexes to be on a higher spiritual level then the other one. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which one.

Just Get Married!

About 8 years ago I was at a Shabbaton and I was talking to a friend of mine and a local outreach Rabbi that we both know. The friend that I was with had been involved with orthodox Judaism for several years longer that I was, but his commitment to mitzvah observance was slow. Also, where I was engaged, this friend was having a hard time meeting the right person.

After trying to convince my friend why he should be more observant and how doing so would help him find the right wife, the Rabbi, in a moment of slight frustration said something like “Just get married, move to Israel & Frum-Out.”

I found it odd that there’s so much pressure put on single Ba’al Teshuvas to get married. The statements don’t seem to focus that much on finding the right person for you or becoming a person that’s capable of being in a successful marriage. It seems like getting married is the most important thing and having a successful marriage will somehow automatically come later. At one point, divorce was extremely rare among observant Jews, but over the past couple decades, our numbers have risen dramatically.

Around the same time that I got engaged, a friend of mine started dating someone. He was introduced to someone by a mutual friend and after a very short dating period, they announced their engagement. He was telling me about his new bride and he said something like “I’m frum and she’s frum and we have the same goals because we want to both live a frum lifestyle.” I remember thinking that this poor guy had no clue what he was in for. After a year or so of marriage, they separated. It took some time, but they eventually worked things out. I know another guy who was engaged to a girl that he didn’t know so well and he and his fiancé both had cold feet. Their Rabbis reassured them that they would be fine and they shouldn’t delay the wedding. They continued and she quickly became pregnant, but unfortunately, they didn’t get along so well and separated before their baby was even born.

I understand why there’s so much pressure for people to get married. As time goes on, and people get older, they are more likely to marry non-Jews. Needless to say, the intermarriage problem in America is of catastrophic proportions affecting well over half of Jews and almost every family. I also agree that Jews should feel a sense of urgency and want to get married, but I don’t think they should move so fast that they marry someone who isn’t right for them or they marry before they’re mature enough to handle it. It’s not enough to both be Jewish and frum. There are other basic essentials that need to be in place. It’s also crucial that individually, people are in a place where they’re ready to give fully to another in order to make the marriage work. Marriage isn’t a 50-50. It’s a 100-100. Both people need to give 100% of themselves to the other.

When I was single, the pressure that I felt from my mentors and some of the Rabbis around me was enormous. I was 28 years old when I started exploring my Judaism. Up until that point, I never felt an impeding urge to get married. All of a sudden, it seemed like people were saying that I needed to get married ASAP or I would be in trouble. Considering that it took my wife a year and a half of convincing before she’d agree to marry me, I suffered through many comments from people that we were wasting our time and I just needed to get married already. The truth is that my wife was very wise. Her parents were divorced when she was a child and it left scars that she had no intention of repeating with her children. In order to ensure this, my wife forced us to learn as much as possible about marriage and its potential pitfalls, talk to Rabbis and councilors and talk about the myriads of issues that could come up before she would agree to get engaged. Because of her insistence, we educated ourselves and formed both an intellectual and emotional bond before we formed the physical bond of marriage. It enabled us to deal with the challenges that marriage and children bring upon a couple much more affectively. Right before we got married, we met with a Rabbi whom I’m very close with and his wife for advice. He said something to me that’s as clear today as the day he said it. He said “You’re going to get married and have a big party, dance and celebrate, be among friends and loved ones and after everyone’s gone, you’re going to be alone in a room together with each others dirty underwear.” It’s a funny statement, but the point it home quickly. Marriage isn’t about the party or taking something off your “To do” list. It’s a bond. It’s rejoining your soul with its long lost counterpart, taking on your help-mate, which can and will be against you at appropriate times. It’s joining together the good and the bad of both of you.

A year after I got married, one of my best friends got married. On the night that I was supposed to host a sheva bracha for him and his new bride, he called me and told me that both of them have caught a stomach virus and they couldn’t make it. As he apologized, I told him how lucky he was. He and his new wife were getting a very quick lesson on the practicalities of marriage and having to take care of each other in not the most pleasant circumstance. No matter what came their way after this, it would be a step up from a new chassan and kallah both needing to use the bathroom in a 1 bathroom house. It’s been several years and they’re one of the happiest couples that I know.

Parsha Beshalach - Does G-d care?

This past week I was discussing the frustrating bureaucracy of certain government offices with a co-worker. Since the Presidential election is on the mind of most Americans, I started to tell her to make sure she votes. I remembered from past years that this woman does not vote for religious reasons. The form of christianity that she believes in states that the only leader is G-d and that to vote would be anti G-d some how. As this came to mind, I told her to pray to the L-rd that he reforms are government.

As she was walking away she said “I’m pretty sure that G-d doesn’t care about the bureaucracy of our government.”

Her statement really had an impact on me. If she believes that something is “to trivial” for G-d to deal with, she’s saying, in other words, that G-d has a limited amount of focus or energy and only concerns himself with the big stuff, G-d forbid. She’s also saying that G-d only concerns himself with our “big prayers” and doesn’t care about our prayers for things that he deems minor.

Both of these things are the complete opposite of Jewish ideas and basic common sense. An infinite being has an infinite amount of focus and energy. For G-d, splitting the Red Sea takes no more energy then making sure that I have peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

By suggesting that G-d doesn’t want us to pray for the small stuff, she was also implying that our trivial prayers bother the L-rd and essentially, he’s too busy to deal with us. The truth is that G-d wants to hear our prayers and constructed a world in which we not only would pray, but our commanded to pray. Along with praise, our prayers are constructed to deal with the every day topics of health & prosperity. When we encounter situations that are troubling, our reaction should be to pray to G-d for help, no matter how big or small the problem may be.

One could question why G-d waited for the Jewish people to ask for water and food when they entered the desert. The L-rd knows that we were going to get thirsty & hungry. The truth is that G-d wanted to hear our prayers. After we cried out to G-d sincerely, even though we didn’t do it in the best possible manner, he fulfilled our requests.

Parsha Bo – Let’s do the math.

In verse 51 of the Torah portion, Bo, Moses leads the Jewish people out of Egypt. The Torah tells us that there were 600,000 men between the ages of 20 - 60. Presumably, there were at least that many women, plus children and the elderly. Most commentators estimate the total number of Jews that left Egypt to be roughly 3 million people.

The Torah also tells us that Jacob entered Egypt with a total of 70 people, not including the wives of Jacob’s sons. Our sages tell us that we were in Egypt a total of 210 years.

You may be thinking… wait a minute… 70 people grow to 3 million in 210 years? Well… it gets worse.

The Rabbis tell us that that there was a large portion of the Jewish people that didn’t want to leave Egypt. The great Torah commentator, Rashi, tells is that they were so assimilated into Egyptian culture that they didn’t deserve to be freed. This was one of the purposes of the 9th plague, darkness. During this plague, all of the assimilated Jews died and the other Jews buried them. G-d didn’t want the Egyptians to have the pleasure of watching Jews bury other Jews so he left them in darkness until it was complete. The Rabbis tell us that they buried 80% of the Jews during the plague of darkness. If that’s the case, then 3 million only represents 20% of the Jewish people, there were roughly 15 million Jews at the beginning of the plagues.

So, how did we grow from 70 or so to 15 million? Doesn’t seem possible. One may be tempted to think that the Torah was grossly exaggerating the number of Jews that left, but the Torah doesn’t grossly exaggerate. Let’s do the math and see what we come up with.

Jacob arrived in Egypt with 70 people.

Out of that 70, we’ll subtract him, his wives and his sons since they were done having kids. We’ll also subtract is daughters and granddaughters so we have a total of 51 grandsons of Jacob in Egypt. Rashi also tells us that the Jewish women in Egypt had “legions” of children. I don’t know how many a legion constitutes, but I’ve heard the figure 12 thrown around. Let’s assume that the average generation is 33 years.

So, by year 33 in Egypt, these 51 men had married 51 women and had a total of 612 children.

At year 66, these 612 people had 3,672 children.

Year 99 produced 22,032 children.

Year 132 produced 132,192 children.

Year 165 produced 793,152 children.

Year 198 produced 4,758,912 children.

The Jewish people left 12 years later. Assuming that the generation which left only produced 6 kids before they left, that would bring us to a figure of over 14 million people.

These are obviously estimates. It’s quite possible that some people had fewer kids, but I’m sure some people had more. Also, since people lives well past 100, several generations went out at the same time. The exact numbers aren’t so important. What is important is that the Torah is ultimate truth. If we ever reach a topic where we don’t think that mathematics or any science can coexist with what the Torah tells us, instead of casting a doubt on Torah, we should be patient and give science some time to get things right.

Beit Shemesh – The combination of insensitivity and intolerance.

The other day I was speaking with a friend about the incidents going on in Beit Shemesh between the ultra orthodox and others there. According to my friend, the attacks committed by some of the ultra orthodox on people that they deem dressed or acting immodestly are simply unforgivable and they and everyone like them should be held accountable. He went as far as saying that he didn’t consider these people Jews. With some exception, the greater Jewish world seems to have a similar reaction. A bunch of questions come to mind…

1. Should we be blaming the many for the actions of the few? Just because many of the ultra orthodox look alike to us, does that mean they are all the same and the entire community is guilty, because of the terrible actions of the few? What responsibility do we have for each other’s actions?

2. As Ba’al Teshuvas, we are particularly sensitive to words like “unforgivable.” While embarrassing someone, spitting on them or hitting them are crimes… not Jewish values, are they really unforgivable?

3. Even though no physical attack in the name of modesty is justified, should we, the greater Jewish people, be more sensitive to the beliefs of the ultra orthodox? Or, should we just say that they should be more tolerant of us? To take the previous question further, does freedom of expression ever go so far that it shouldn’t be tolerated?

I would hope that we all would agree that if one person sins, it’s their sin alone. They’re neighbor is not guilty. In my article “When is it OK to rebuke someone?” I discuss that one is only permitted to rebuke someone if they believe that their rebuke will be affective. If one believes that their rebuke will not have the desired effect, they are obligated to keep their mouth shut. Just because there are some ultra orthodox are guilty of attacking other Jews does not mean that the greater Jewish community is guilty. We need to try to inspire or educate anyone we see committing a sin to the best of their ability. We do have a responsibility, but it ends with doing the best that we can. Condemning all ultra orthodox Jews in Beit Shemesh would be no different then condemning all Jews of any town if some of their residence sinned.

Rabbi Berel Wein often says “Don’t judge Judaism by the actions of Jews.” There are Jews that sin. Some of the Jews have no kippahs or beards and some of them have very long beards and black hats. It would be nice to think that all Jews who look very religious always act in a kind and pious fashion. The reality is that we’re all people. We have weaknesses, faults, misguided beliefs and we often make mistakes. However we’re commanded to love every single Jew. That doesn’t mean that we have to love all of their actions, but we have to love them as brothers. Keeping in mind that the word Teshuva means “return”, we all should be doing teshuva no matter how long our beard is. Nobody is so far gone that they’re beyond teshuva.

There’s a balance between freedom of expression and taking it too far. The most common adage is that freedom of speech doesn’t give someone the right to scream “Fire” in a crowded theatre. I love America and hold our freedoms dear, but I’m going to ask the following questions….

Should a gay rights demonstration be held outside the Vatican?

Should a religious (Jewish or otherwise) denouncing homosexuality as an abomination demonstrate outside at a gay bar?

Should the KKK demonstrate outside a black church?

Should Nazi’s demonstrate outside your synagogue?

Should women in bikinis have a swim suit competition at the Western Wall?

These are all extreme examples, but I wanted to use them to illustrate the point that sometimes freedom of expression infringes upon the rights of others rights to the pursuit of happiness and peace of mind. Extreme examples are easy for us to identify… what’s harder is things like – Should immodestly dressed women go through certain neighborhood where the residents would be offended? Since I doubt that anyone reading this article will participate in any of these events we’ll leave it to the courts to decide what is acceptable and what is too far.

I do believe that we have a personal responsibility to be sensitive to all of those around us. The whole idea of Derech Eretz (way of the land) is exactly this point. Unfortunately, some of the incidents in Beit Shemesh have been the combination of insensitivity and violent intolerance. We should all strive to find ways to improve ourselves and our relationships with all of those around us until its contagiousness forms one people… Am Yisroal.

Torah Thought: Parsha Va’eira

This weeks Torah portion describes the first 7 of the 10 plagues that G-d inflicts upon the Egyptians to help persuade Pharaoh to release the Jewish people from their slavery so that they could worship G-d without restriction.

Throughout the first several plagues, the Torah tells us that Pharaoh strengthened his heart and would not let the Jews leave. As a reaction to this, G-d slowly increased the severity of the plagues as a punishment to Pharaoh. After the 6th plague, we see something changes. The Torah tells us in Chapter 9, verse 12 that “G-d strengthened the heart of Pharaoh” and he did not free the Jewish people.

This leads us to the question of why does G-d continue to punish Pharaoh if G-d is interfering with Pharaoh’s free choice to do the right thing? One could argue that Pharaoh and the Egyptians deserved to be punished for their treatment of the Jewish people in the past and their current choice to prolong the slavery has nothing to do with their punishments. That seems logical at first, but still doesn’t answer why G-d hardened Pharaoh’s heart. If he deserved to be punished for previous transgressions, then G-d could have punished him no matter what choices he makes now.

Rabbi Schneur Zalmon tells us that if a righteous person works on themselves and prays enough, it’s possible that they can receive divine assistance to eliminate their desires to do evil. Even on a smaller scale, it seems that when people set out to do good, G-d grants them assistance. We’re taught in the Ethics of our Fathers that one mitzvah leads to another mitzvah. I had a similar experience when I first started dating my wife. She had moved into a new apartment in Philadelphia. Everything was fine until she quickly realized that whenever she left her building, at night, the neighbor’s motion detector set off an automatic light. This was helpful during the week, but posed a concern for Shabbas and holidays. We discussed all different options about what she could do… stay in her home every Friday night and early Saturday evening… stay at someone else’s home every Shabbas. Neither one was so convenient, but what options did she have to be able to live a normal life and still keep the Shabbas. We were racking our brains out when one night she discovered that if she walked a certain patter against the wall, she could get into and out of her apartment without setting off the light. It seemed as clear proof that G-d helps those that want to do good. *

If G-d helps people make the right choices and do mitzvahs when they want to, then presumable the opposite is also correct. As I observed many times, in my non religious days, when people set out to do things that aren’t holy, they seem to have no trouble finding it. If someone wants to go out and get into a fight, they’ll find someone to fight with. If someone wants to go out and have improper relations, they’ll also find a partner.

It would seem that the L-rd helps people accomplish whatever they set out to do. If someone sets out to do a mitzvah, G-d will give them an opportunity and even give them the strength to accomplish it. If someone sets out to do evil, G-d forbid, then the L-rd will present them with opportunities to get into trouble and remove any inspiration to do otherwise. The Rabbis tell us that ancient Egypt was the height of moral depravity. As it’s leader, we assume that Pharaoh was the worst one of them all. Since G-d created the world in 6 days, the number 6 represents the physical world. After Pharaoh hardened his own hear 6 times, it created a lasting effect, and G-d helped Pharaoh stay true to his own wicked intentions.

* I’ve said in many times on BThandbook.com that my goal is not to tell you what the Jewish laws are, but to help people incorporate them into their lives. I later learned that even if my wife (then girlfriend) didn’t find a way to enter and leave without setting off the exterior light, it may have been permissible to enter and leave anyway. The laws are complex so if you find yourself in a similar situation, please consult a competent orthodox Rabbi.

Dear Beth, Is there a dress code in Judaism?

Dear Beth, *

As a newly observant Jew, I find it hard to figure out what the dress code to observant Judaism is.

Aside from Kippahs for men and hats or wigs for married women, how do I need to dress to be considered a religious Jew?

Yours truly,
Closet full of clothes and nothing to wear


Dear Closet,

Like Most things, Judaism does have what to say about how we dress, but it’s very different than most of us think. Before I go through some of that, I thought it would be helpful to recap some of the statements that either I or my wife has heard observant Jews say over the years.

“Someone who wears jeans to shul on Shabbas should go home and change”

“I don’t see how a woman who wears pants can consider herself religious.”

A remark to me once when I was wearing sandals on a hot summer Sunday afternoon “Did you go off the derech?” (Derech means path or way. Basically, he was asking me if I am still an observant Jew)

“Unless you’re Israeli or Chassidish, a man should wear a tie at the Shabbas afternoon service. What is this? Casual Mincha?

“Get out of here and come back when you’re wearing a decent jacket” This was a story told to me by my mother about what a reformed Rabbi said to someone wearing a plaid suit jacket on Rosh Hashanah in the 1960s.

There are a lot of factors that dictate what a Jew should or shouldn’t wear on a regular basis. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. We should dress in moderate, clean clothing ** Dressing in dirty or ripped clothing is not appropriate. Obviously, if someone is a mechanic or a gardener, their work clothes are going to get dirty. This law doesn’t mean that they have to look like their going to the opera when they’re going to work in the mud. This also goes for clothing with colorful language on it. Use your judgment and you’ll be fine.

2. We should not imitate the styles and clothing of the non Jew *** ideally, we should stick to our own styles of clothing and not spend our time, energy or money on what the latest trends are.

3. We should not to wear extravagant or flashy clothing. **** We should dress nice, but we should also be modest in both dress and behavior. This is one of the reasons why so many observant Jews gravitate to black and white clothing. I don’t think that a little color in one’s wardrobe is a violation of Jewish law, but if your clothes are so flashy that when you walk into a room, everyone turns to stare, you may want to choose something else to wear. This doesn’t mean that one should go out looking ugly, but it does mean that we should make efforts to be the most looked at person in the room.

4. We should wear clothing the covers our body *****. There are a lot of opinions out there regarding to what extent this goes. I’m not going to deal with the specifics, but the idea is the same as modesty. If your clothing is such that it draws attention to features of your body that we ideally shouldn’t want, it may not be the best idea.

5. A man should wear clothes designed for men and a woman should wear clothes designed for women. The most common area of controversy in this area is whether a woman can wear pants or not. From what I read, it seems like if a woman wore pants that were designed for women, she would not be violating any Jewish law. However, it’s become the custom of Jewish women not to do so publicly. It’s less common for men to wear women’s clothing, but the same rules apply.

6. Especially when we pray, we should dress as if we were standing before a king. Keeping all this in mind, all Jews should try to dress appropriate to the best of their ability, but they should keep in mind wear they are spiritually and not push themselves into overload. For man, it would be great if I would wear a suit and tie every time I prayed, but if I happened to be at the beach when the time for prayer arrived, it would be much better to pray in a bathing suit then to not pray at the appointment time. Also, if you’re one of those people who hate wearing a tie, don’t push yourself too hard. Some people take this a step further and rightfully say that since G-d is with them all the time, they should always dress formally. This is very admirable, but not required by Jewish law. It’s slightly off topic, but its falls under the general category of dressing up. There’s an interesting phenomenon in our society, where a man or woman will get dressed up to go face the world, but when they come home to their spouses, they strip off the make up and change into clothes that are more comfortable and less faltering. While we should be comfortable in our own homes, we should also keep in mind that they most important person to look attractive to is one’s spouse.

7. Black hats, long coats and gartels (strings that Chassidic men wrap around their waste.) These are clearly in the realm of customs and stringencies. If your Rabbi or spiritual mentor wears things like this and you want to imitate him, great. If not, it’s no big deal. They are not necessary to be an observant Jew, but can be a stepping stone for someone who has already reached a stable level in his observance and wants to push themselves higher.
All of this being said, I believe the most important thing is this letter isn’t if we dress properly, but how we relate to people around us who we don’t believe are dressed properly. Dressing properly is extremely important, but always keep in mind that when we learn a new law or custom, we should focus on how we can improve ourselves, not how we can improve our neighbor. The best thing you can do to inspire your friend and neighbor is become and inspiration by leading by example.


* This is a fictional letter that discusses a real problem that BTs go through. There is a lot of confusion out there regarding what is or isn’t acceptable dress and not a lot of practical advice on it. If you have real questions, feel free to email me at AriMiller613@gmail.com.


** Kitzur Shulchen Aruch, Chapter 3
*** ibid.
**** ibid
***** Shulchen Aruch HaRav, Chapter 2

Torah Thought: Parsha Shemos

The Rabbis ask an obvious question about this weeks Torah portion:

If the Jewish people were slaves, how could Moses and Aaron walk around freely?

To answer the question, we need to go back to the Torah portion of Mikeitz, which we read a couple weeks ago. The Rabbis tell us that during the years of famine in Egypt, Joseph, on behalf of Pharaoh, sold provisions to the entire world. When people ran out of money, Joseph took their livestock and land in exchange for food. Once the people no longer owned land, they became Pharaoh’s indentured servants which in those days wasn’t that much more than a slave. Joseph decreed this for everyone in Egypt except the priests. Joseph foresaw that the tribe of Levi needed to be free to lead the Jewish people out of Egypt so when he set up this decree several generations before, he ensured that Moses and Aaron, since they were from the tribe of Levi, would be able to travel and not subject to Egypt’s enslavement.

I’ve known this answer for several years, but it never sat well with me. Pharaoh was so morally depraved and wicked that he had babies killed on a regular basis. Am I really to believe that Pharaoh didn’t enslave the tribe of Levi, because he wanted to follow the law from several generations before? Does that really make sense? He was one of the worst people to ever walk the earth, why would he care about what the law is?

Several months ago, I was listing to a lecture from Rabbi Berel Wein and I heard something that clarified the point for me. We all know about the horrors of the holocaust. We’d be hard pressed to come up with a group of people that could better be described at the epitome of evil then the Nazis. There were stories about how when the Nazis first brought Jews to the death camps, they would ask any among the Jews who were veterans of the German army to people step forward. These Jews mistakenly thought that since they had fought on the side of Germany during World War 1, they would be spared. The Nazis “rewarded” these veterans by killing them first. Rabbi Wein tells the story of other Jewish veterans of the German army from World War 1 who came to America. Thank G-d that they had left Germany early enough to escape the terrors of the holocaust. As the story goes, since they were veterans, since the German government love rules, these Jews still received their military pension checks from the Germans.

The laws and justifications of wicked governments often don’t make sense and the world is certainly a strange place, but if Jewish veterans could still receive their pension checks during the Holocaust, it’s no stranger to believe that Pharaoh allowed the tribe of Levi to maintain their freedom during the Jews enslavement in Egypt.

The Rabbis tell us that we shouldn’t apply human characteristics to G-d. That being said, it sure does seem like the L-rd has an interesting sense of humor.

Torah Thought: Parsha Vayechi

Almost 10 years ago I was at a dinner for JNF and the speaker said something that I still remember as vividly as the day I heard it.

He told us all to close our eyes and picture a large coliseum filled with every Jew. Not just every Jew alive today, but every Jew that has ever lived. In the center was a relay race and it started out with our father Abraham, and he ran with tremendous speed, and then passed the baton to Isaac who also ran extremely fast and then passed the baton to Jacob and on and on through the generations the baton was passed. Through Moses. Through King David. Through Rashi, Rambam, Joseph Cairo, The Chofetz Chaim, on and on and now it was just passed to us… and what are we going to do with it? Is our generation ready to build on the successes of the past or are we going to fall backwards?

The Torah portion tells us of a monumental shift in Jewish history. Jacob, the last of our forefathers dies. The generation of the brothers are now the seniors. In next week’s parsha, they die too. After that we plunge into a period of slavery that almost decimated the Jewish people. What happened with the generation after the brothers that they didn’t merit us to exist as a free people? There were great people in that generation. Joseph’s two sons Menashe & Ephraim were so great that they were spiritually elevated to the status of their father’s generation. Serah, the daughter of Asher, was so great that she lived from the time we entered Egypt until the time we left. Dan’s son Hushim was such a fierce warrior that the Middrash tells us that he killed Esau. Given such people, what happened that they couldn’t protect the rest of the people? Did they fail as leaders?

If one views the Egyptian exile as an avoidable situation if we made the right choices, then perhaps they could have prevented. However, from everything that I’ve read, the Egyptian exile was a necessary process in the formation of the Jewish people. It was part of G-d’s divine plan and therefore had to happen. Given that, it would have been impossible for them to avoid the enslavement no matter how great they were. The only thing they could have done was to plant the proper seeds that when the time is right the leaders of a future generation can take us out of exile and to the divine presence at Mount Sinai. From Jacob’s grandchildren came the seeds for people like Moses, Aaron, Miriam, Nachshom, Caleb & Joshua. These were such a group that they brought us from the most horrific exile to receiving the Torah in such a short period of time.

Someone might mistakenly think that they were born to non-religious parents in a non-religious environment and there’s too much stacked against them to accomplish good in this world. We can see from this that even if this is correct, our parents and grandparents still planted the seeds of Jewish identity within us and they’re now ready to flourish. It’s our generation’s time to pick up the baton of Judaism and run at a pace to make our forefathers proud. Just like the generation that left Egypt, we have the ability to take our generation from the depths of spiritual apathy to the heights of redemption.

Dear Beth, I'm losing my son to Judaism. Please help me.

Dear Beth,

I’m writing you because I don’t know where else to turn.

It was about a year and a half ago that my 28 year old son told me that he met an orthodox Rabbi and started to learn Torah with him. At the time, I was happy about it. My son wasn’t married and constantly dated different girls. I thought that this would help him settle down and start a family.

We never kept kosher or anything like that, but I always taught him to believe in G-d, but we only went to synagogue a few times a year. He was a good boy. He always did well in school and I was proud of him.

About 6 months ago, things started to change. He told me that he wouldn’t come over for a family birthday party, because it was on Saturday. He didn’t come to our Passover dinner and he even told me that he wouldn’t eat at my house and more, because us wasn’t kosher. I couldn’t believe it. All of sudden, the food that I made for him his whole life wasn’t good enough. He would lecture us on how we should change… we should change while he was tearing the family apart.

No we don’t see each other so much and it’s all because of this Cult that he joined and this Rabbi that he’s talking to. When we talk on the phone, it’s usually tense. I tried to tell him what he’s doing to the family, but it didn’t help at all. I just don’t know what to do.

Please help me. I’m afraid that I’m losing my son.

Sincerely,
Desperate Mother


Dear Desperate Mother,

There are so many laws that Rabbis teach young (or not so young) men and women when they return to Judaism. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough taught about how to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with ones family.

The first thing that we need to deal with is that your son isn’t reading any new fringe book that separates himself from the tradition of his family. He’s rediscovering something that his family did for generation after generation, but somehow became lost over the past 80 years or so.

I grew up in a house that was almost completely secular. After I was 13 years old, I don’t ever remember my parents going to synagogue. Besides for my Grandfather lighting the Chanukah menorah and a few other things, we had no Jewish customs. If I had to define our Jewish demonization (Orthodox, Conservative, etc.) I would have said that we were “Bagel and Lox” Jews. To the best of my knowledge, I thought that like me, my parents had no knowledge of traditional Judaism. I distinctly remember having my parents over for Shabbas dinner after I had became religious. When I started singing Shalom Aleichem (traditional Friday night song), I was shocked that they new the words. I had never heard them sing this growing up. When I asked how they knew the song, they told me that they remembered singing it when they grew up. Later I found out that my father still had his Bar Mitzvah tefillan (black boxes with straps that men start wearing after their Bar Mitzvah). I had never even seen a pair of tefillan, let alone owned one. There were many other memories that my parents had of Jewish laws and customs that were missing from my childhood. It even came out that my mother’s grandparents had been Orthodox. Even though my relationship with Judaism was different then my parents, it wasn’t that much different from their grandparents. Chances are that it’s probably the same with your family too. If not your grandparents, then maybe a generation or two before that was much more observant of Jewish laws than the average Jew in America.

If your son was a doctor and was on call every Saturday, how would you feel? Would you be mad at him for not coming to family parties? Chances are, you’d be proud of him and schedule get-togethers on Sunday. If developed an allergy to nuts later on in life, would you insist on feeding him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, because that’s what you fed him when he was kid? Of course not, you’d make the necessary accommodations to feed him what he could eat, because you love him. It’s not that much different now. Your son has developed a spiritual sensitivity that prohibits him from traveling on the Shabbat and Jewish holidays and prevents him from eating non-kosher food. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to see you on Sundays and go out to eat with you to a kosher restaurant. Maybe you can even get him to cook for you at his house. 

Your son loves you. Because it’s so important, I’m going to repeat it. YOUR SON LOVES YOU! It sounds like you’re both having difficulty finding the coexistence of both of your beliefs. The first step is acceptance. You need to accept your son for who he is and not try to change him. He needs to accept that you are and will always be his mother and you love him more than he’ll ever know. You also need to both find a way to spend time with each other and enjoy each others company at a time and place that you can both accept. He may not be able to come over on Shabbat, but there are 6 other days of the week that he can come over. You may also want to consider spending Shabbat with him to experience this part of his life. It may not change your view, but at least you may come closer to understand his.

The Rabbis teach us that one of the core principles of Torah is to love your fellow Jew. If this is true for a stranger, how much more true is it for a parent and child.

* This is a fictional letter that discusses a real problem that BTs and their families go through. There are so many articles and resources for those of us that have became religious, but very little for our loving and concerned families. If you have real questions, feel free to email me at AriMiller613@gmail.com.